I keep reminding myself to not forget how hard this was....

Like that will seriously be difficult. This morning I was huffing and puffing along and grumbling out loud to myself until I saw a man waiting for the ferry shuttle. I quickly shut up until I got past him but then I think I probably quickly went back to my feeling sorry for myself. In all of my self pity I reminded myself to remember all of this. There was a time that I went through this before and it was so incredibly hard. Each time I did it though...it got a little easier and then, well I fell in love with walking and something came over me and there were days I didn't want to stop. 4 miles, 5 miles, 6 miles, 7 miles....for runners that is nothing but walking that takes more time. I was walking 9-10 minute miles and yes....even got under that a few times but I wasn't the scary swinging hips and arms walker. I was "I'm the Ginger Bread Man catch me if you can" almost running walker. The difference between walking in Texas and Washington is HILLS...and they BITE....my calves, my shins. Like I said though, I will grumble through the hard stuff for a while because I know that after a while that time will come that the wind will catch my sail and it will dawn on me "Hey, this is easier than it used to be". That only means longer walks and pushing harder but I will be ready for that then. For now...small steps, just the painful, swearing under my breath, wonder what in the heck I am doing steps in the right direction. That's how I see it anyway.

And today...I walked....

I guess what they say about the first step being the hardest is true...because it was. It definitely didn't start out that way today but ended as such. I put on my new duds, tied my laces, had a protein snack, some water and set my phone to tunes that I knew would inspire me and I put my feet to the ground. Surreal is probably an understatement because in the beginning it was easy...too easy...because it was downhill. Ha!Ha! Then the challenge came and my thoughts wandered and the emotions flooded me all at once and I was overcome. I didn't expect it. I didn't expect as my shins burned, and my arches crawled for this wall of memories and anger and so many thoughts to wash over me like the swells of an angry sea. I continued to walk but as I was trying to choke back the tears I felt like if someone passed me on the way they might think I was in distress. As I looked up the hill that I found myself at the bottom of it almost felt as a hand rested on my back and gently pushed me on. "Why did I do this to myself?" "Why am I here again?" "I promised myself after all my hard work I'd never find myself having to fight this hard but yet here I am". BUT HERE I AM....and I have to fight. The hand pushing me forward...may be that of my Savior...that of my family...that of that little spirit in heaven waiting to come join our family in January for which I will be blessed to be Grandmother to. Whatever the case may be...I know I have to fight up the hills, ride the angry swells of the sea and get through this. I walked back through the woods and sat for a few moments to collect myself before the last leg home and silently prayed. Regardless of my lack of occupation on a church pew on Sundays, my faith in a loving Father in Heaven is strong and I know that I need him now more than ever. I also need to believe in the fact that this is a one breath, one moment, one bite, one step, one decision at a time in my life. Why am I here I again? Because I messed up? However...the truth is....I DID IT BEFORE! I DID IT BEFORE! That means I can never say I CAN'T DO THIS! I can't use that excuse. I know I CAN. I have seen it! So burning shins, aching arches, hills, mountains, whatever I have to do...I can do it. I have it in me.

So they will see me coming....

Once upon a time...about 5 years ago I lived in work out clothes. BEST THINGS EVER! Well, the huge ones aren't so much but when you go from a size 24ISH to a 10, they do get pretty cool and comfy. I decided that I need to start there. I am not thinking that I need to be a slob and start living in sweat pants and t-shirts but I needed something to wear to walk in, good bra and here where we live, the crazies drive. So NEON it was. Nope, I did not buy a neon bra but definitely neon shirts. I even bought a neon harness for my Petula. I believe I shall enlist her help in this journey as she would probably love to be "forced" to go on a walk with me. So now that I have the "get up", I just have to find the "go". I believe I have it. Just one foot in front of the other, one minute at a time and see where that takes me. Baby steps.

I CAN'T

I stood yesterday in the shower and cried....I just cried. I am THERE. I am at that point I did not want to be but have found myself....AGAIN. It's not the first time....or the second time...or the third...I crumble but I know deep within my soul I must find the ground for which I must set my feet upon and stand once and for all. I have come back to my original blog, the one where I drew my greatest strength and where I "did my best". I need to finish this story. I have to break down the wall I threw up once and for all. This has absolutely nothing to do with looking a certain way but everything about beating demons that I have wrestled my entire life. It is also about deciding that it is okay to be comfortable and to love myself and have confidence in my appearance. I do deserve that. This is about not hiding in flesh from what I fear. It is a coat I must forever take off, the healthy way. I want to live, and be all that I know I have within me to be. My knowledge and the fact that I have seen myself do this before proves I am capable. It is finding the personal strength to fight the tendrils of doubt and despair and "I don't wannas" that get me. Doing what I am doing right now....PUTTING THIS OUT HERE....This very, very personal blog that some have seen and many have not is my way of literally turning myself inside out a bit. This does help me because I can clear my head and if I feel like some random "Joe" hears the clanking of my thoughts then that is something. I moan and groan and go on about nothing but it helps me and that is the point. Why is this post titled "I Can't"? Well, because I have felt a lot of that lately as my body is feeling all the crappy effects of carrying more weight that it should. Recently a good friend posted a video that I have seen many times before that inspired me once again and reminded me I CAN.