Struggling Along

I have been floundering and looking for a reason. It's like standing in a giant, empty whare house that echos calling out..."reason....reason....where are you?" "I have to find you so I can get back on track". I was sitting here earlier and of course so many things go through my head constantly but something just filled me up with strength and pushed me out the door. I feel 100% just because I got out and did what I needed to do even though I didn't feel like it. I will admit...I woke up and dressed for it as I always do but I was hedging a little. I went for a good walk and actually ran quite a bit. I was amazed at the ease with which I could run. The only issue I was having was with my pants falling off. They slide off every time I run and it gets distracting. I am going to have to find something that actually stays on me...either that or some duct tape.

I understand now and believe that goals are important. Once you reach one...you have to grab hold of another no matter what it is. I have been really satisfied with my weight loss and so let up on myself ALOT. The consequence of that is that I have gained honestly...like 8 pounds. I still fit in my size 12's but they are snug and I don't like that. I also have my half marathon in 2 months and so 8 pounds is not going to make me lighter on my feet by any means. Before I had this number...and then I got to this size that I really love. I love being a 12...not a chubby 12 but a "clothes fit well" 12. I am built in such a way that my large frame and a size 12 are a perfect match. Satisfaction however has gotten the best of me though so I need to whip my ass back in shape a bit.

So I set a goal by February to lose 13 pounds. That will put me under my "happy weight" but set me up well for my half marathon in January. It also gives me something to focus on. Kent and I are also going to do something fun with just us for our anniversary and perhaps it'll make just that much "hotter" for him. ha!ha!

This "place" I am at right now is that scary place I have been before...over and over but NOT giving in to it. I am going to let my strength over take my weakness.

Selfish Lady Sends......

Candles and A Bubble Bath

What a lucky girl I am. Do I say that enough? I got to cuddle Justin last night. I am grateful for the nights he lets me because on the nights I have to work I miss out on those little snuggles. I must have fallen asleep and woke up to someone tugging on my leg. Kent woke me up and when I came downstairs and in our room I smelled the distinct smell of burned matches. I didn't see any lit candles in our room but soon found a bathtub filled with hot water and candles all set up for me. What a great guy! After a day of baking all day long. (114 cupcakes, coconut cream pie and 3 homemade whole wheat pizzas) I was wiped out tired! He's a keeper!

By the way...cupcakes went to my daughter's school for a dinner-fund raiser, the coconut cream pie went to a friend and the pizza was for our family! It was really good pizza too if I don't say so myself! :)

Selfish Lady Sends...

Yes...yesterday WAS good!

Now to move on today.

When I opened up my blog the song "Amazed" was playing. That is "our" song. Kent's and mine. That is actually the song that I walked out to when we were married. Logan was only 2 and he pulled me out of the room where I was waiting to come out when it was time. I have sweet memories of that day! It is awesome to still be completely melted by the one you love and to have each day get better and better. Sigh.... I am such a sap!

I am baking 8 dozen cupcakes today! How's that for a health conscience persons nightmare! It's my contribution to my daughter's spaghetti supper at school for the band. It's their big fund raiser. I have to work tomorrow night so it's the least I can do. I am making 2 doz. lemon, 4 doz chocolate, and 2 doz. vanilla cream.

Is it awful to say that I am not completely upset with the few pounds I gained? I just wish I could distribute it better. I love that I have a little back in my boobs! Check! Filled in some of that awful saggy skin on the butt! Check! I just don't like it at my waist...it's just a little bit...nothing major. 5 pounds now makes a huge difference though...on my smaller body. I told my daughter that I am at this happy weight and hate the skin so if it's filled in some it doesn't hurt my feelings so much. I have no idea when the day will come that I can afford plastic surgery but I definitely look forward to it. There are some things I just don't know which I'd rather have...loose skin or fat... Okay...I know I'd take the skin but it's just well...I can't stand it honestly. I go up the stairs and I can hear my arms flap at my sides, or if I don't have a bra on...I hear my boobs flap, or my legs. This happens when I run. I hear it...I am sure no one else does but it's embarrassing.

Oh well, baby steps. This is all part of the process. Good and bad. Forgive my candor on here but I am all about "reality"!

Selfish Lady Sends........

Today...so far, so good...

There have been too many bad days lately so I am cheering today for a GOOD day and telling myself it better stay that way. I also had a great walk this morning. Fortunately my hip didn't bother me too much. I stretched out pretty good before hand so I think that helped out.

Lately I have been having silly thoughts. The holiday party for my husbands work should be coming up next month and I am actually excited at the prospect of going. I was looking online at "little black dresses" and daydreaming of black heels. I can actually go and buy a dress off the rack in the regular department and that amazes me. The picture I posted yesterday or day before was a Christmas party for his work I believe so very long ago. (2000 maybe) I think I found a "stretch velvet" skirt at Walmart in size extra-extra-extra big and hoped it fit. I borrowed jewelery from friends and did all I could but still felt so diminished on the arm of the man that I adore. It is so sad to feel humiliated to be "yourself" but that is how I felt for years. I am blessed to have the partner, love and best friend in the world that I do in my husband. He has loved me above and beyond anything I could have ever imagined. He has never, ever made me feel "less than". He has done all he could to make me feel loved and wanted and desired but I can't help how I have felt about myself. I have missed out on opportunities to see him advance in rank because I didn't want to go to his work. I was ashamed to be seen as his wife. I felt like I have this amazing person in him and he just deserved better than he had in me but I couldn't get my crap together. Now...I just want to loop my arm in his and say " Hey, here I am... I am Kent's girl". My feelings of course were all about me...not about him. Those feelings started long before he ever became part of my life and I am sorry that I have felt that way but it's a reality. Now he has this wild and crazy woman to deal with who can't get enough of him or life itself! :) He probably wonders where I have been! (giggle!)

There are ugly memories I have and I don't want to keep them fresh in my mind yet they keep me grounded. Sometimes when I am being really stupid I wonder how I can continue not doing what I know I should when I have these dark stories in my past. The truth is...I have no answer for that. I just know that I now have an attitude of not letting anything overcome or destroy or direct me. It is what it is...acknowledge it's presence deal with it and move on.

My personality has not changed as some may think it has. I just show it now instead of hiding it. So if folks are scratching their heads going..."who is this?"...Well, this is who I am. I have always had a nutty, loud, dance around the room, irreverent, crazy, shoot from the hip personality. There are so many things I have wanted to do with my life/in my life but didn't because "whatever" said I shouldn't. I'll have no more of that! I will stand at the end of my life knowing I lived it! I decided what was best for me and made my own choices. I am a butterfly! Butterflies are free to fly! I have lots of flying to do. I am blessed with an amazing children and an amazing husband who can explore life with! My journey is not all about how much weight I can take off! It's about knowing who I truly am, learning more of my Saviour and trying to be more Christlike in my dealings with others and myself. I want to be a better person.

Gentle Reminders...

Sometimes digging through all drawers I come across something that "shocks" me. This picture would be one of them. It's a reminder to me of where I have been and where I don't want to be. I remember the night very well too. I remember the struggle to find something to wear that didn't make look fat and the hope that I wouldn't look "too awful". Looking in the mirror I had the sinking feeling that no matter what I put on I just wasn't good enough and I hated that feeling. I can't believe that I even posed for pictures and REALLY can't believe we paid for them. I am glad I have them now because they tell me that I HAVE COME A LONG WAY! It also helps me to acknowledge the changes I have made in how I see myself. Sometimes when I look in the mirror...I see the girl in this picture and by that I mean...I see my imperfections. After all this...Wow! I don't have a perfect body! Who'd have thunk! It'll never be but that's okay. I am struggling lately with trying to find a balance with home/work (new job) and being okay with my new body and continuing on my journey. It is really hard and a challenge moment by moment. As I have said before...there is no "finish line"...I will never be there. I am a work in progress and from here until there is no breath left in me...the point must be that I am making "progress" and moving ahead in my journey. I pick myself up...dust off when I fall...and move along. I believe in others...I must continue to believe in me.

Selfish Lady Sends.....

My Mojo....Where's my "Mojo"

If you see it...can you send it home please! It seems to be missing! I need it back!