Ouch!!!

It is probably crazy to post a giant picture of my toe but I wanted to share what can happen when you are over zealous in walking. (Huge smile) I have a blue toe or what is a giant blister  under my nail that is incredibly painful. I keep draining it (TMI) but it fills back up pushing my nail forward. This showed up after my 10 mile walk on Sunday. I still knocked out over 5.36 miles yesterday even in pain. I have to admit my legs felt like dead weight so those were more distracting than the toe. Today I will do a quick 3 miles. I am kind of glad to learn about the blue toe now so that I can learn how to prevent it in the future especially for the half marathon I am doing in October. Honestly I feel so much better, eating is on track and I had a little break from babysitting which was good for me. Things are rolling in a positive direction. Yesterday I made a batch of granola which taste so much better than store bought. I don't put dried fruit in it because I have learned it makes it chewy and increases the calories. Frozen blueberries and a small amount of unsweetened coconut milk or cashew milk is a perfect addition. The grandbaby and I shared some scrambled eggs for protein. I don't eat much granola as it is high in calories so I measure out 1/2 a cup. It is pretty addicting so I close that bag quick. My family loves the sweet,salty,nutty goodness.
It is going to be a great day....a balancing act but a great day. I am blessed.

A Year Of Changes

I celebrated today by strapping on my shoes and going for the longest walk I have been on all year. 10.19 miles. It felt amazing and freeing to know the person I am today is not the same person I was a year ago. Not only have I gone from a size 22 to a 12 but my heart is different. Something has clicked that never has before making my commitment to me so much greater. I struggle and slip up but there is still this huge sense of permanence that never existed before. Here is to looking forward to better changes this year.

Tomorrow is my one year anniversary....

Tomorrow is July 26th. One year from the date that I had that Dr. appointment and got on a scale and got shook up over my weight and made a decision to do something about it. Tonight I plan on going back and reading over my posts so that I can regroup but as I think back so much has changed. I've changed. A year ago I decided that by my 50th birthday I wanted to be under 200 pounds. I am happy to say that I achieved that a while ago and I am 49 years old. I wondered where I would be in a year and thankfully I have really accomplished a lot. I have slid back in some ways but in other ways I have made a change of heart that seems to be lasting. I knew going in to this the hardest part would not be getting to my goal and it hasn't been the hard part. It is staying put once I achieved it. That is really, really tough because life has a way of constantly throwing us curve balls and it is so easy to feel like we've "arrived" when the reality is there is no finish line. There is never a finish line it is always a constant work in progress to be healthy, happy and in charge of our personal goals. My plate runneth over right now but probably no more so than anyone else and I just have to keep plugging away and being selfish about taking care of me. It feels good to "FEEL GOOD" and to feel motivated and alive. A year from this post I "should" be living in a completely new place, new state with a new routine and probably a whole new set of curve balls. I hope that I will be able to look back and be happy with my future progress and be continuing my efforts to be better at all I try to do. I want to be not only a better person physically but I want to try my best to be better emotionally, personally and as a whole to the world. I need to find ways to love more, be more compassionate, more humble and look for more good in the world. I walked almost 7 miles today alone, in the misty rain which turned to a slow drizzle. I walked up the "Hill That I Hate" and said out loud...."I don't hate you anymore". It is these hills that I climb up and down that are what has made me better and stronger and helped me change. I appreciate that hill now.

Warning...this will be long....

As you can see from the title this will be a long post. I need to put my thoughts out there in the universe. I have been struggling now for two months and while my heart is so much in this everything else has been a train wreck. My walking habits have slowed down to a crawl and my eating has been awful. I have been almost deliberate in my actions and it is a result of my emotions, frustrations and general sense of tremendous "overwhelm". I am a girl hanging on to the cliff but not crazy enough to let go. There is a lot of guilt I have over how I feel. What is my problem? Well, I guess I am overwhelmed with being put in a position that I didn't ask for and that is full time care giver to an infant. For those that know me, you know I love being a Grandmother and I adore my grandbaby but I also feel like I have lost a part of my life in this process because I don't get to be a regular Grandmother. So much of my time is consumed with taking care of this little person's needs that there is little time left for all the other things I need to do much less want to do. I am being selfish I feel like and struggling like crazy and taking it out on me. Instead of figuring out a way to work with it...I am crumbling and falling apart physically. I CAN'T DO THAT. I just can't do that. I know there are plenty of Grandparents in the world in this very position. Some are even raising their grandchildren. There is sometimes in our lives we make sacrifices and this is just a time in mine but I know in my heart of hearts the one sacrifice I cannot make is my good health, happiness and all the headway I have made in my journey. Yes, I feel like I am on a hamster wheel. Yes, I am incredibly tired. Yes, I am sometimes even bitter that I can't be perfect at handling everything with finesse. I know that what I have to do is take a deep breath and "work it out". I have been selfish about walking and don't like including anyone but now it's just not a reality. Little Miss had to go with me and there is no way around it. Today I packed her up in the stroller early and did a good 5+ miler. It was actually a better work out with her than without so perhaps there is some extra health benefit. She slept most of the way through it and I know the fresh air was good for her. It will be tricky in the winter when it is cold/wet but again...I will figure something out. I have to. As for my eating...that boils down to knowing better and getting back to the basics of what works. Eating well for me is not rocket science. It is just a matter of avoiding processed foods, starches and sugars. More veg's, fruit, good, lean protein and complex carbs and what work the best for me. Smaller meals with snacks to keep cravings at bay. I can do this... I have less than one year before we move and then I won't have this time with this little girl. I know it is precious and I need to soak it up. I just have to clear my head of the angst and silly thoughts that really try to push me backwards. I also have a half marathon in October that I seriously have to get ready for so that means extra work for me. I have to squeeze that in here and there when I can. So to sum it all up....I am working hard to get over it and muster the courage to be a person and do what must be done. I have to be a full time Mom/Grandmother/Wife/Babysitter/Taxi-driver/housecleaner/cook and carve out a piece of time to take care of ME! I will make sure I take care of me. I am not letting go of the cliff.