Thoughts....

I was laying next to a very grumpy 4 year old tonight as he tried to go to sleep. While musing the whole situation with him and his "attitude" I had a few thoughts of my own. He is such a stubborn kid and very impetuous like someone else I know. Gee, wonder where he gets all of that from??

I let my mind wander back to days probably in early January or February of last year when I was out walking and it was so hard to keep going. I remember when I thought 2 miles was amazing! Shoot, 30 minutes was amazing! It wasn't easy but it was challenging and I was doing it. I pushed through what was hard for me. Now I am at this spot that I am struggling with and was picturing myself standing in front of a huge black wall...It is THAT which keeps me from moving ahead and somehow, someway...I have got to find that "girl"...the stubborn, impetuous girl and tell her to kick that sucker out of the way...because I have things to be doing. I don't have time to be stuck in this mire I am in. I am not giving up...I am not! That half marathon in January is going to be unbelievably hard now because I just did an absolute "stand still" but the "old Amy" would say..."give up...you can't make it." I know I CAN! I may be dragging my ass across that finish line and the only faces I'll see are the ones I treasure the most left at that crossing...but I am going to finish and I am NOT GIVING UP! I am doing this. Screw the "t-shirt"...it's about finishing the race I started.

Selfish Lady Sends....

Floating on my back...

...in the ocean...looking at the stars feeling very lost. That's how I feel lately. The motions gently pick me up and down but I am drifting and not really going anywhere but the water creeps over my face sometimes and it startles me and I feel I might drown. I tell my husband the "mist" is at my door. That green, glowing scariness that has found it's way to the threshold of my life at times has returned and I feel overwhelmed. This one is a doozy. Depression is an evil thing and I wish so many times that it had a physical form so I could face it, stare it down, stab it, beat it and destroy it. It doesn't work that way unfortunately. I have to go through the motions of my every day existence and pretend to be okay when it seems those moments of utter failure sweep over me more and more often and I feel so alone. My only saving grace is that I know this passes...it always does but then I wonder how much damage I do to myself while I am waiting for that to happen...just how much self destruction emotionally and then physically (because eating well and exercising are so far off my radar) will I do while this thing is here.

Ahhhhhhhhhh.........if only there were magic pill. Something to take and make it all better and make life amazing and "centered" all the time. That's not the case...this is my "cross" and always has been. I am blessed to have an amazing husband who is a light in my darkness who is a patient man when life is sucking me under. I don't wish he really understood because that would mean that he too has some taste of this but yet...if only he knew the great pain in my heart at times that I wish I could just give away and never have back.

Putting it out there....

As we lay down the other night my sweet husband asked me how I was doing on my half marathon training. I told him it was slow...BIG understatement. I then proceeded to tearfully pour out my heart to him. I think I am a bit burnt out and wishing that I could just be this person right now and be done with this battle. I am so tired of fighting. I wish I could be this weight, wear what I want to and cook what I want to and bake and do all those things I love without this weight loss battle being the center of my universe as it has been the past year. I have people tell me I inspire them, I am their hero...etc...etc...etc... I don't want to be any of that. I just want to be AMY. I just want to be the girl I have always been...me. I don't want my life to be all about this anymore BUT...there are somethings in this world we aren't given a choice about...and the "battle of the bulge" is one that I was dealt by genetics, or whatever...but it's NOT going away ever no matter how thin I get. I am trying to muddle through finding some compromise...a place where I can exist and stay here but not be so constantly overwhelmed with trying so hard. There is just no way around the fact that I have to exercise regularly or my body suffers. I have gained some of my weight back and my 12's are tight! I told a friend of mine that I will go naked before I buy a larger size. I am just NOT going to do it. I also have to continue to eat right. There are parts of me still that I don't mind the few pounds I gained because it beats the sagging skin...like I have some boobs now...sorta...and a butt...but not diggin' the little muffin top thing! Where is that magic wand? Don't I wish I could say..."okay fat...fill in a little here but not there...and oh yeah..over here but stay away from there." LOL

This time is still so different than any other time in my life because I am not a fat girl anymore...don't feel like one and refuse to go back there. I just need to remind my hand of that when it picks up things and goes searching for my mouth. Ha!Ha!

Selfish Lady Sends.............