I have always said this is like my journal of sorts. It's crazy to think that in just a few short months it will be almost a year since I posted anything in here. I feel like I am much like the ocean...I come and go in waves...that is how my life is...in and out...in and out. There is nothing really about that but dive in when I can...and swim....and enjoy it while I can and hope I can stay in as long as I am able but all the while knowing that historically my personal track record is to get out of the water...eventually...for whatever reasons....We aren't supposed to self hate...I try really hard not to. We aren't supposed to beat ourselves up when we fail and I try not to do that either but it's really, really hard when I succeed and find such joy in overcoming personal obstacles and then let myself take a nose dive....because my "feelings/emotions/demons" become easier to bow down to than pull myself out of the funk. I wait on the shore for the perfect wave....making excuses why this one or that isn't "it" all the while wasting time and getting more angry and further in the mire of self pity.
Once upon a time I had to make a really difficult decision....probably one of the most difficult I have ever made in my life...and it took me years to get there but I literally woke up one day, put my feet on the ground and just did it. It was shocking and life changing for many people but I had to do it that way because the "perfect wave" was there I guess. I have no regrets whatsoever about that choice...NONE. I find myself in a place right now where I am feeling lost and lonely and frustrated and angry...and instead of taking all of that and using it to push myself in a positive direction...I am screwed up. Yes....this is about weight....and is about not feeling good about me or where I am at in the grand scheme of things but it's about this fucking limbo place that I am so tired of coming back to constantly. It's old....it's not a good place...I don't like it....and I don't get why I keep pushing me back here...what did I do to make myself think I deserve to be in this "space"? I guess again it comes down to just jumping in...or jumping off or whatever but pushing myself through the wall of waves that I don't find appealing. So that's it's for now. This post I make no promises or grand plans or big starts....I am just standing on the shore...
