Ouch!!!

It is probably crazy to post a giant picture of my toe but I wanted to share what can happen when you are over zealous in walking. (Huge smile) I have a blue toe or what is a giant blister  under my nail that is incredibly painful. I keep draining it (TMI) but it fills back up pushing my nail forward. This showed up after my 10 mile walk on Sunday. I still knocked out over 5.36 miles yesterday even in pain. I have to admit my legs felt like dead weight so those were more distracting than the toe. Today I will do a quick 3 miles. I am kind of glad to learn about the blue toe now so that I can learn how to prevent it in the future especially for the half marathon I am doing in October. Honestly I feel so much better, eating is on track and I had a little break from babysitting which was good for me. Things are rolling in a positive direction. Yesterday I made a batch of granola which taste so much better than store bought. I don't put dried fruit in it because I have learned it makes it chewy and increases the calories. Frozen blueberries and a small amount of unsweetened coconut milk or cashew milk is a perfect addition. The grandbaby and I shared some scrambled eggs for protein. I don't eat much granola as it is high in calories so I measure out 1/2 a cup. It is pretty addicting so I close that bag quick. My family loves the sweet,salty,nutty goodness.
It is going to be a great day....a balancing act but a great day. I am blessed.

A Year Of Changes

I celebrated today by strapping on my shoes and going for the longest walk I have been on all year. 10.19 miles. It felt amazing and freeing to know the person I am today is not the same person I was a year ago. Not only have I gone from a size 22 to a 12 but my heart is different. Something has clicked that never has before making my commitment to me so much greater. I struggle and slip up but there is still this huge sense of permanence that never existed before. Here is to looking forward to better changes this year.

Tomorrow is my one year anniversary....

Tomorrow is July 26th. One year from the date that I had that Dr. appointment and got on a scale and got shook up over my weight and made a decision to do something about it. Tonight I plan on going back and reading over my posts so that I can regroup but as I think back so much has changed. I've changed. A year ago I decided that by my 50th birthday I wanted to be under 200 pounds. I am happy to say that I achieved that a while ago and I am 49 years old. I wondered where I would be in a year and thankfully I have really accomplished a lot. I have slid back in some ways but in other ways I have made a change of heart that seems to be lasting. I knew going in to this the hardest part would not be getting to my goal and it hasn't been the hard part. It is staying put once I achieved it. That is really, really tough because life has a way of constantly throwing us curve balls and it is so easy to feel like we've "arrived" when the reality is there is no finish line. There is never a finish line it is always a constant work in progress to be healthy, happy and in charge of our personal goals. My plate runneth over right now but probably no more so than anyone else and I just have to keep plugging away and being selfish about taking care of me. It feels good to "FEEL GOOD" and to feel motivated and alive. A year from this post I "should" be living in a completely new place, new state with a new routine and probably a whole new set of curve balls. I hope that I will be able to look back and be happy with my future progress and be continuing my efforts to be better at all I try to do. I want to be not only a better person physically but I want to try my best to be better emotionally, personally and as a whole to the world. I need to find ways to love more, be more compassionate, more humble and look for more good in the world. I walked almost 7 miles today alone, in the misty rain which turned to a slow drizzle. I walked up the "Hill That I Hate" and said out loud...."I don't hate you anymore". It is these hills that I climb up and down that are what has made me better and stronger and helped me change. I appreciate that hill now.

Warning...this will be long....

As you can see from the title this will be a long post. I need to put my thoughts out there in the universe. I have been struggling now for two months and while my heart is so much in this everything else has been a train wreck. My walking habits have slowed down to a crawl and my eating has been awful. I have been almost deliberate in my actions and it is a result of my emotions, frustrations and general sense of tremendous "overwhelm". I am a girl hanging on to the cliff but not crazy enough to let go. There is a lot of guilt I have over how I feel. What is my problem? Well, I guess I am overwhelmed with being put in a position that I didn't ask for and that is full time care giver to an infant. For those that know me, you know I love being a Grandmother and I adore my grandbaby but I also feel like I have lost a part of my life in this process because I don't get to be a regular Grandmother. So much of my time is consumed with taking care of this little person's needs that there is little time left for all the other things I need to do much less want to do. I am being selfish I feel like and struggling like crazy and taking it out on me. Instead of figuring out a way to work with it...I am crumbling and falling apart physically. I CAN'T DO THAT. I just can't do that. I know there are plenty of Grandparents in the world in this very position. Some are even raising their grandchildren. There is sometimes in our lives we make sacrifices and this is just a time in mine but I know in my heart of hearts the one sacrifice I cannot make is my good health, happiness and all the headway I have made in my journey. Yes, I feel like I am on a hamster wheel. Yes, I am incredibly tired. Yes, I am sometimes even bitter that I can't be perfect at handling everything with finesse. I know that what I have to do is take a deep breath and "work it out". I have been selfish about walking and don't like including anyone but now it's just not a reality. Little Miss had to go with me and there is no way around it. Today I packed her up in the stroller early and did a good 5+ miler. It was actually a better work out with her than without so perhaps there is some extra health benefit. She slept most of the way through it and I know the fresh air was good for her. It will be tricky in the winter when it is cold/wet but again...I will figure something out. I have to. As for my eating...that boils down to knowing better and getting back to the basics of what works. Eating well for me is not rocket science. It is just a matter of avoiding processed foods, starches and sugars. More veg's, fruit, good, lean protein and complex carbs and what work the best for me. Smaller meals with snacks to keep cravings at bay. I can do this... I have less than one year before we move and then I won't have this time with this little girl. I know it is precious and I need to soak it up. I just have to clear my head of the angst and silly thoughts that really try to push me backwards. I also have a half marathon in October that I seriously have to get ready for so that means extra work for me. I have to squeeze that in here and there when I can. So to sum it all up....I am working hard to get over it and muster the courage to be a person and do what must be done. I have to be a full time Mom/Grandmother/Wife/Babysitter/Taxi-driver/housecleaner/cook and carve out a piece of time to take care of ME! I will make sure I take care of me. I am not letting go of the cliff.

I can't believe it has been this long....

There is always a tale-tell sign when it has been a while since I have been on that something is going on in my life and that things aren't going swimmingly. Such has been the case with my absence of late. I can't say that it has been anything major...just a huge "OVERWHELM" and it has reflected greatly in a slow down on my part. There is good parts to this and bad parts to this. Bad parts first....I have walked less and totally said screw the gym (just not my thing) and have been stress eating to a gain of about 10 pounds. So where is the good part in that....I am aware still, committed and so very much IN THIS! I can look at what is going on and see what I see understand where I need to prioritize things. I am letting life get in the way of me. Not making excuses but physically I am in a very comfortable place now so this is the size that I want to be (12) and so it is a maintenance period. Of course comfort eating and not walking as much is not going to help me maintain anything. Also...I realize I haven't been blogging which really helps me clear my thoughts out but it gives me a place to set goals. I was walking yesterday (6.8 miles) and I realized I haven't been setting goals. I was really motivated by my goals so I need to get back to doing that. It is a "place-mark" for me and helps me see something in the distance to reach out for. Even in a maintenance phase we still need goals obviously or footing is lost. So here I am dealing with this gain. My clothes still fit but I am itchy. Itch means body changing and that is not cool so I have to get busy and get back to work. Reality talking there. July 26th will be one year since I started this process and yesterday while walking I decided that I will give myself till then to drop that 10 pounds. Now I got on the scale this morning and a bit of it was gone already. Yesterday I was 186 and this morning I was 184.4. I would like to bee 176 by July 26. So that is one goal I am putting out there. My next goal I am putting out there is to get back to walking no less than 4 times a week. It is going to have to be at what ever time of the day I can do it but I need to do it. In October I am walking a Half Marathon and I have to get ready for that. I also need to support my mental health and all the stuff that is going on in my life right now and truly walking is the absolute best medicine there is for me. It is my CHURCH. I feel so lifted up and in tune with my God and Savior and pray constantly. I try to leave my worries on the pavement with every step I take. Sometimes I just let the tears come because I don't feel like I can be alone here in my own house to take a moment to just cry. My life is good and I am blessed and I don't want for anyone to read this to be mistaken but I am a wife, I am a mother, I am a grandmother, I am a taxi driver, I am a babysitter,I am a lady going through "the change"...I am soon going to be preparing for another move next summer, we are trying to sell a house from thousands of miles away, I am worried for my eldest child who is trying to carve out a life for she and her baby and will stay behind as we move away...so many, many things that weigh on my heart. I want to take care of me and not loose all the ground I covered. I just can't do that to myself...not again. I trudged up "the hill that I hate" yesterday and I remembered all the walks in the freezing cold, the ice, even some snow but I got out there and I did it...I didn't give up. I can't give up now. NO WAY. So...for those of you that really know me...if you read this...keep me in your thoughts...shoot me a note...send me email jagjaglee@gmail.com. I would love to hear what you are doing to get through the tough moments and how you are climbing those hills to win your battles.

Two other goals I am trying to set for myself is in regards to eating. The caution to the wind attitude had got to change and I don't know where it came from. Yesterday I ate really great and back to the high fiber, vegetables and lean meat. So this is the course I have to get back to. Water is the other thing I need to work on. I wasn't really great at it before because of my bladder issues but since I have lost so much weight those have really improved so I would like to drink more water.

They say goals not written down are merely wishes so I have recorded my goals. If you follow my blog at all I hope you will stick with me. I have come a long way and I am truly proud of myself and want to make this change permanent and life long. Going from a size 22 to 12 in less than a year feels great and it is that feeling that is more important to me than the "looking". To walk out the door and know I can do just about anything I set my mind to is amazing and I find courage in unexpected places. I just need to work on my faith and learning to trust more and leave things to God. I know everything that I am worrying about will be okay....I just need to take care of that which I can take care of and leave everything else to him.

New Kicks

So this is a post about shoes. Yes...you read that right...shoes. I love shoes but what I am the biggest snob about is having really good shoes for walking/running/exercising. They wear out quickly if you are putting substantial miles on them and also when they start breaking down well it is time to replace. My favorites are Asics Gel Nimbus. They fit my foot well and for my gate have given me a good wear. They are not cheap but I look at the outcome and I say they are worth the investment. Comfort and stability are worth paying more for in a good shoe.

I am finding myself in that ZONE....

So there is this place...and it is all too familiar to me and I don't like it. It is a place of comfort and it is a place of skirting the tracks. I have really had my wheels out of the tracks lately and I have to get back on course. The honest truth is that I have felt like utter crap for two weeks and the only place I have wanted to be is in my bed. However, I have also eaten more than I should, snacked more than I should and let my thoughts and feelings dictate my life a little bit these past two weeks. The one thing that I have to say helps is the knowledge that I am aware of what is going on. I have been in this place before and it is a scary place to be but I won't abandon what I have learned to love. I just know it is like having a compass in hand and mine has been spinning out of control. I need to find my North again and put my feet on the ground and move forward. 

When I make a mistake, I own it. There is no room for blame. I get tired, I get bored, I get sad, and I get overwhelmed and damn it....sometimes I just want things to be "perfect". I want to be in this body that can wear anything, do anything, be anything without work and able to eat anything. Reality and truth is...it doesn't work that way. There are really very few people in the world who have that kind of luck. I have also been cruely aware of my imperfections and then I realize that my imperfections are those things that make me unique AND now stronger. All these stretch marks I have are the product of weight gained first and foremost to give life to 4 of the most amazing children. So I have to ask which I would rather have? Anyone who knows me...knows my answer...hands down. I have a husband who married me when I was a size 22 and NEVER once has made me feel heavy. He has never made me feel like I could be better. He has always treated me as if I am perfect and how lucky I am to have such a kind hearted, geniune man to share life with. 

My worrying, and burdening my brain with the things I can't control will not help me stay on track. It will in fact derail me so I know I need to let go. This morning my thoughts were clear that I need to pray about it and just let Heavenly Father handle what I know I can't. 

My goals for this next week are to walk, get to the gym, drink more water and eat well. I also want to get out at least once this week and do a hike somewhere close by.  My other goal is to be aware of small snacking that can add up. I wasn't doing that and I have lately so I need to curb that. 

Finding my North....that is what this week is about. I have the Color Run next Sunday on Mother's Day and I want to be excited about it. I am not...it won't be difficult for me but because I have just felt so crummy it is hard to get ramped up and excited. I am going to work on getting myself pumped up. It will be an accomplishment, an adventure and outing with my son and something I can say I did. It will be good for me.