I can't believe it has been this long....

There is always a tale-tell sign when it has been a while since I have been on that something is going on in my life and that things aren't going swimmingly. Such has been the case with my absence of late. I can't say that it has been anything major...just a huge "OVERWHELM" and it has reflected greatly in a slow down on my part. There is good parts to this and bad parts to this. Bad parts first....I have walked less and totally said screw the gym (just not my thing) and have been stress eating to a gain of about 10 pounds. So where is the good part in that....I am aware still, committed and so very much IN THIS! I can look at what is going on and see what I see understand where I need to prioritize things. I am letting life get in the way of me. Not making excuses but physically I am in a very comfortable place now so this is the size that I want to be (12) and so it is a maintenance period. Of course comfort eating and not walking as much is not going to help me maintain anything. Also...I realize I haven't been blogging which really helps me clear my thoughts out but it gives me a place to set goals. I was walking yesterday (6.8 miles) and I realized I haven't been setting goals. I was really motivated by my goals so I need to get back to doing that. It is a "place-mark" for me and helps me see something in the distance to reach out for. Even in a maintenance phase we still need goals obviously or footing is lost. So here I am dealing with this gain. My clothes still fit but I am itchy. Itch means body changing and that is not cool so I have to get busy and get back to work. Reality talking there. July 26th will be one year since I started this process and yesterday while walking I decided that I will give myself till then to drop that 10 pounds. Now I got on the scale this morning and a bit of it was gone already. Yesterday I was 186 and this morning I was 184.4. I would like to bee 176 by July 26. So that is one goal I am putting out there. My next goal I am putting out there is to get back to walking no less than 4 times a week. It is going to have to be at what ever time of the day I can do it but I need to do it. In October I am walking a Half Marathon and I have to get ready for that. I also need to support my mental health and all the stuff that is going on in my life right now and truly walking is the absolute best medicine there is for me. It is my CHURCH. I feel so lifted up and in tune with my God and Savior and pray constantly. I try to leave my worries on the pavement with every step I take. Sometimes I just let the tears come because I don't feel like I can be alone here in my own house to take a moment to just cry. My life is good and I am blessed and I don't want for anyone to read this to be mistaken but I am a wife, I am a mother, I am a grandmother, I am a taxi driver, I am a babysitter,I am a lady going through "the change"...I am soon going to be preparing for another move next summer, we are trying to sell a house from thousands of miles away, I am worried for my eldest child who is trying to carve out a life for she and her baby and will stay behind as we move away...so many, many things that weigh on my heart. I want to take care of me and not loose all the ground I covered. I just can't do that to myself...not again. I trudged up "the hill that I hate" yesterday and I remembered all the walks in the freezing cold, the ice, even some snow but I got out there and I did it...I didn't give up. I can't give up now. NO WAY. So...for those of you that really know me...if you read this...keep me in your thoughts...shoot me a note...send me email jagjaglee@gmail.com. I would love to hear what you are doing to get through the tough moments and how you are climbing those hills to win your battles.

Two other goals I am trying to set for myself is in regards to eating. The caution to the wind attitude had got to change and I don't know where it came from. Yesterday I ate really great and back to the high fiber, vegetables and lean meat. So this is the course I have to get back to. Water is the other thing I need to work on. I wasn't really great at it before because of my bladder issues but since I have lost so much weight those have really improved so I would like to drink more water.

They say goals not written down are merely wishes so I have recorded my goals. If you follow my blog at all I hope you will stick with me. I have come a long way and I am truly proud of myself and want to make this change permanent and life long. Going from a size 22 to 12 in less than a year feels great and it is that feeling that is more important to me than the "looking". To walk out the door and know I can do just about anything I set my mind to is amazing and I find courage in unexpected places. I just need to work on my faith and learning to trust more and leave things to God. I know everything that I am worrying about will be okay....I just need to take care of that which I can take care of and leave everything else to him.

New Kicks

So this is a post about shoes. Yes...you read that right...shoes. I love shoes but what I am the biggest snob about is having really good shoes for walking/running/exercising. They wear out quickly if you are putting substantial miles on them and also when they start breaking down well it is time to replace. My favorites are Asics Gel Nimbus. They fit my foot well and for my gate have given me a good wear. They are not cheap but I look at the outcome and I say they are worth the investment. Comfort and stability are worth paying more for in a good shoe.

I am finding myself in that ZONE....

So there is this place...and it is all too familiar to me and I don't like it. It is a place of comfort and it is a place of skirting the tracks. I have really had my wheels out of the tracks lately and I have to get back on course. The honest truth is that I have felt like utter crap for two weeks and the only place I have wanted to be is in my bed. However, I have also eaten more than I should, snacked more than I should and let my thoughts and feelings dictate my life a little bit these past two weeks. The one thing that I have to say helps is the knowledge that I am aware of what is going on. I have been in this place before and it is a scary place to be but I won't abandon what I have learned to love. I just know it is like having a compass in hand and mine has been spinning out of control. I need to find my North again and put my feet on the ground and move forward. 

When I make a mistake, I own it. There is no room for blame. I get tired, I get bored, I get sad, and I get overwhelmed and damn it....sometimes I just want things to be "perfect". I want to be in this body that can wear anything, do anything, be anything without work and able to eat anything. Reality and truth is...it doesn't work that way. There are really very few people in the world who have that kind of luck. I have also been cruely aware of my imperfections and then I realize that my imperfections are those things that make me unique AND now stronger. All these stretch marks I have are the product of weight gained first and foremost to give life to 4 of the most amazing children. So I have to ask which I would rather have? Anyone who knows me...knows my answer...hands down. I have a husband who married me when I was a size 22 and NEVER once has made me feel heavy. He has never made me feel like I could be better. He has always treated me as if I am perfect and how lucky I am to have such a kind hearted, geniune man to share life with. 

My worrying, and burdening my brain with the things I can't control will not help me stay on track. It will in fact derail me so I know I need to let go. This morning my thoughts were clear that I need to pray about it and just let Heavenly Father handle what I know I can't. 

My goals for this next week are to walk, get to the gym, drink more water and eat well. I also want to get out at least once this week and do a hike somewhere close by.  My other goal is to be aware of small snacking that can add up. I wasn't doing that and I have lately so I need to curb that. 

Finding my North....that is what this week is about. I have the Color Run next Sunday on Mother's Day and I want to be excited about it. I am not...it won't be difficult for me but because I have just felt so crummy it is hard to get ramped up and excited. I am going to work on getting myself pumped up. It will be an accomplishment, an adventure and outing with my son and something I can say I did. It will be good for me. 

It's not Wednesday.....

eh...so a day late....oh well. This bad cold, bronchial mess has kicked my tail AND taken my 9 year old as it's latest victim. I haven't walked in a week or been to the gym and I am so miserable about that. I weighed in today at 176 pounds so I have managed to keep the weight down. So my current weight lost since July now stands at 95.6. I set my goal to get to somewhere between 175 and 170 pounds so I am oh so close. However I just feel like I am in this space that is a good place now to really change now and become strong. I need to get well....wahhhhhhhh.....Tomorrow...no matter what I am going walking and to the gym and little dude is going to school. I will say I have worked hard around the house today so for being "down" I have still kept moving. I hope my older son doesn't have a fit when he comes home and discovers I super cleaned his room. LOL :)

 

Lately though...I have been having issues with worry about the future and our next move. I know I need to be careful because it is not even summer, we won't move until the following summer AND I am already letting the OVERWHELM creep in. I suppose I can use this to my advantage and take it to the pavement and walk it out but seriously...it is going to drive me a bit mad. I am a worrier, and a planner and a control freak when it comes to some things. I hate moving, I hate this year before and I hate the process especially now when I have just things that will have to be dealt with before hand. :(

 

I need to remember to rely on my Heavenly Father because I know he will smooth it all out. It will all be okay.

Sick Day.....

This week has been a down week for me work out wise. I had a few days I walked and one day I made it to the gym and then WHAM!!!! The crud hit me like a ton of bricks. I may be completely over thinking this but I have wondered and wondered if it wasn't the steam room that I sat in for about 15 minutes on Monday. It could also be germs from the airplane from my trip to Cali, or germs from the gym equipment or heaven forbid...it was time for this health, middle aged female to just get sick. Gasp....Anyway...I am stuck in bed, huge jug of water, coughing my lungs up, ears aching, joints aching, nose running and things could be worse so life is really good. I count my blessings.

Lately the scale has been hanging around 178-9 and this morning it was 177.something. I chalk that up to illness and not really eating a whole lot these last couple of days. Anyway, I think I can safely say I am in that zone or getting close to it. As I get in to this area I feel so comfortable in I am searching for a strong body. The size I am wearing I am very comfortable and I don't mind if this is where I land. My goal now is to refine and tone and strengthen. (wouldn't mind the muffin top disappearing but part of that is skin creeping over) So my goals are going to start to be more strength driven, experience driven and learning to balance and maintain.

I have found I love going to the gym. I feel strong there and enjoy making sure I include my walks around the neighborhood for a warm-up first really makes a huge difference. I feel like I would be losing something major about this journey if I let go of what I love so much and that is my walking. I don't like treadmills, can't do treadmills and heaven forbid...one day I may be resigned to use one but for now...I have this beautiful area and I can get out and walk and go further if I want or cut it short if I want. The gorgeous spring is here which will soon turn in to an amazing Summer. This is a time to relish in Sun and the precious few months of warmth that this area offers us. I am looking forward to learning to kayak, and going hiking and just putting myself out there and trying new things.

So as I sniffle and cough and hack in bed, those are the "Selfish Lady's" thoughts. I have got to get on the mend so I can get right back out there and get to it.

Some days just suck and then it changes...

Yesterday was one of those days and actually I have had a few funky days. I woke up just feeling really blue and I couldn't put my finger on what was going on. I knew I needed to go for a walk and go to the gym and I wasn't feeling it but I got dressed for it anyway. I headed out the door for a walk with a sense of dread but as I walked things changed. It was an emotional walk and I don't like those because crying and walking aren't a good mix but they are oh so good for me. I still don't know what it is that was bothering me but all I know is that by the time I was done walking I felt a huge sense of relief and was ready to go tackle the gym. I had a great "self talk" as a climbed the "hill I hate" and it was just something I needed to get out an do. It confirmed to me what I already knew and that was that when I don't feel like doing something I need to do it anyway because I will feel so much better afterward. My day changed from being down and depressing to ending up being pretty good. I am grateful I pushed through the funk and got my butt out the door.

To put things in to perspective....

The first picture was taken of me today and I am weighing about 180ish. I had just gotten back from walking close to 8 miles. The second picture is old, taken in November of 2008 but it is the only one of I have of me at my heighest weight, 286 pounds. I came across it last night and I was pretty stunned to see that person there...such an unhappy soul. I have a long way to go but thank goodness that lady in the second picture is no more.