194 Today.

It's a loss but nothing huge. I will take whatever I can get.

Confession....I binged....

I was very frustrated yesterday because I was mad at the scale. It had climbed. It just didn't feel like it should have and I was angry and hungry and wanted to do something to punish myself I guess. What a way to get back at the world huh? I did something that will sound really funny but I felt like I needed to do. I binged. I needed to just eat something and get it out of my system. The funny part is what I binged on. 2 pieces of chocolate. (60 calories a piece), a large blueberry,banana, unsweetened coconut milk and chia see smoothie (probably 300 calories) but the biggest binge was munching on granola. So that is what I binged on. I didn't eat a burger, or a chocolate cake or make it anything really worth eating....I did that deliberately. I wanted to eat...I just didn't want to eat anything really bad. It's not right, not the way to handle frustration but it's done. I got on the scale and it's down again today. I am not saying it is down because of what I did but I am glad it's down. I think sometimes we just need to let out hair down and stick our face in a bowl if it will get our mind out of that place it's in. My brain was there and needed to be shaken out of it. So I don't regret it. What I am happy about it is that I don't have those overwhelming feelings as I once did that I should throw my hands in the air and give up that all is lost. Nope, on the contrary. I have every reason to keep going. I know this last stretch is going to be a real stinker for me but realistically if it takes longer to get it off, it will stay off and my body is going to have time to adjust to these changes. It is really a good thing...not bad at all. It's encouraging.

Giving myself a bit of a rough time.

I have a bad habit over scale hovering...yep, I am doing it again. Every freaking day I climb "Mt. Scale" and well today it was up a couple of ounces and I was a little pissed off about it. Realistically I know that ounces and even a pound or two is possible but I just don't want to see it. That is why getting on the scale daily is really not a good idea. I just feel like it keeps me in check when I do but on those rare occasions when I see what I saw this morning it makes me feel like crap. Awe...I really shouldn't go there but I do and I know that it's not a healthy normal. Gotta let it go, so I am.

I didn't go walk today. I did something different. I did my weights and then I stretched and boy that felt great. I was amazed at my flexibility. I can even do a hand stand. That is unbelievable to me. I am sure I am going to be crazy sore tomorrow but it was fun. I even got my husband and kids in on the fun and they all tried it. My husband was the only successful one. His was actually the best.

The hill I hate....

I was walking today and took a different loop but it still brought me back to the infamous hill...this HILL. I need to give it a name but I haven't figured out what yet. Back in August I struggled up that darn hill and thought I'd never make it but I did. Now...I still push myself up that hill and I am 77 pounds lighter and I still don't like it. Ha!Ha! I tell myself it is all mental. One of these days I am just going to run up it and then turn around and say "take that! Hah!" Okay, probably not. It is going to be that one stupid hill that I will always climb that I allow myself to just dislike. The good thing is...even though I dislike it...I still walk it. It's a good hill....sometimes I chant "buns and thighs" because I know that is what it is good for and yes I do that in my best Arnold voice.

Wednesday...

That means it's jump on the scale day. Admittedly I do that all week because I am obsessed. 194.8 today. Sunday was my Grandbaby's birthday and I am happy to report that I actually had a touch of cream cheese spinach dip, and just a touch of her cake and I didn't beat myself up over it. It felt really good. I am slipping in to a relaxed place of less anxiety and just working on what I need to work on. I walk, I eat good foods but I am also not so hard on myself either. It feels good. I have ordered two pair of "goal jeans". I bought a new pair of jeans yesterday and a new pair of jammies in size large. They are cute. I am just tired of things being huge. My goal jeans are 12's and my new jeans are 14's. I have a few other pair of 14's I wear but wanted another pair of jeans. Yesterday I went to a new place for a good walk and then a went to a little town near by to window shop. It was awesome just to get out and explore and have such good energy. This morning as I was heading down the basement stairs I was reminded of how hard it used to be to trudge down those stairs and now I can just bounce down them. Awesome.

It's Wednesday

And the scale said 197. 74.6 down. Hurray. No really, hurray! ☆☆☆☆☆☆ 27 more to go. Wow. Feels like an uphill climb but I will get there.

Feeling weird...

This is that time when I start to get a little freaky about things. My mind,heart,head and physical all need to catch up to one another. I took this picture this morning when I was in my son's room. (Pardon the mess) I was taken back by that person I saw in the mirror. I have just been feeling foul and frustrated lately. Then I see that reflection and I know I am changing. I can't verbalize it. Maybe I just shouldn't try to. I will go walk it off and sort it out this afternoon.