This will have nothing to do with weight loss....

We may be at another cross roads in the life of our family. We are coming up upon a time where huge decisions are to made regarding our place in this world and where we should go next. A probable advancement will once again push us in other directions...but to where, we have no idea.

First I have to say how profoundly proud I am of my sweet husband. He is so shy to acknowledge that he is a pretty smart guy. What he has accomplished during his service in the Coast Guard is something pride worthy. Yet, he is so humble but I see it in his eyes. He will never boast but he is beaming for sure and I think he should. I love that about him.

I sat last night with my 3 eldest in the office. I don't even remember what caused us to all end up in the same room but it gave us the time to have a heart to heart. I went to bed last night filled with an insurmountable amount of gratitude for these gifts, our children. Each one of them is amazing and as much as I beat myself up about my failings as a person and a parent, I see them, I hear them and understand that they didn't get their magically. I did have a hand in the amazing kids they are. I heard my daughter share with us tearfully the most amazing testimony of her Heavenly Father's love, and her great love for our family. I was stunned for a moment and then consumed.

I am a lucky person and for all my struggles there are triumphs. Life is NOT all about my physicality...it actually has precious little to do with it. It's about LIVING, and LOVING and being present in the moment. I miss so many important moments because I am thinking or doing things that are really unimportant. I don't want to miss anymore.

I will press on and be more prayerful about the changes I make in me...as huge changes continue to be made in our family. My daughter reminded me that no matter what, we have a Heavenly Father who loves us and we have an incredible family. No matter where we go, that is a constant and anything else pales in comparison.

Leap...Leap I said! Go on LEAP!

I keep hearing that in my head. Take a leap...do this...get out of this box...move ahead...get off this place where you are stuck and reach out ahead in to the future.

"Unless you change direction you'll arive at where your going". Hello, I am arriving at my destination and I DON'T like it one bit.

I hate the waiting and I tell myself NOT TO! What am I waiting for the mysterious "it" that I always seem to be waiting for. That jolt of whatever it is to push me off the cliff and move out ahead. I can't do this anymore.

I suppose it's time for a "sit down" with myself and plan out my strategy. I don't mean wake up one morning and do things 100% different because that is the key to failure in my life. I mean just figure out what small steps I can make to move me in the right direction.

It's time to LEAP!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am making a "wish" list. It's not a list for anyone but me...my dream wish list.

I wish my house was organized. I wish when I opened a drawer I saw everything neatly folded, in it's place. I wish all books were on a "book shelf", papers were in folders in a nice, tidy office. I wish clothes were washed and put a way, floors were always swept and mopped, bathroom emaculate, dinner made, boy in bed early every night after a bath, and I wish we had enough money to enjoy life and pay "Peter and Paul" without me working. I wish I could make the time to sew magical things, or crochet. I wish I could curl up with a book and enjoy it without knowing that I am neglecting the many other things that I need to do. I wish when people came to visit I didn't feel the need to "apologize" because things are in perfect order in my home. I wish when my family came to visit and I felt a sense of panic because I can't possibly get the house perfect like I want.

I wish I could have taught my children at a very young age to help more and to pick up after themselves. I feel like I really failed in that department because I just didn't want to "fight".

It's raining outside and if my surroundings where as I wish they were I could blog and not feel the pangs of guilt I feel right now because there are other things I need to be doing.

So I close "my wish" list for now. I am off to attempt to accomplish something before I go to work and then tomorrow the cycle begins again. Sigh....

A Lapse is NOT a Colapse

I was driving home the other day and this song came on my ipod. I got goose bumps as I listened though I have heard the song a hundred times before. I miss feeling the peace I once felt. I know it's not my Heavenly Father's fault...it's mine. He is there, always waiting for me to open my arms and reach for him. I need to start reaching for I know he never tires of waiting but I miss him and I am sure he has missed me.

Once upon a time....

there was a little girl who I held up on my knees while I gave her a bath with Mommy for the first time. It was just she and I and no one else seemed to matter. I was in awe of this dark haired, blue eyed newborn beauty who was staring back at me. I remember feeling so humbled that Heavenly Father had chosen me to be this perfect little person's Mom. Then it happened, she looked at me and she smiled. It wasn't one of those sleepy smiles that makes you wonder what they could be dreaming of. It was a smile for me...a recognition. She melted me that day and I knew beyond a doubt for the first time a kind of love I'd never known before. I knew that I would do anything for her, give everything to her, lay down my life for her. I knew in that single moment that I was a Mother and she was a gift that I had been in trusted with.

My little girl has grown in to an amazing young woman. Life with her has been a blast some moments, heart breaking at others. She has been my hero and there were times she fought to defend me when a little girl never should. She has been purple hair, banana suit, crazy dancing around the living room girl. She has been the girl who cried out to me because she felt different from others and struggled to find herself and friends that would love her. She has been messy rooms, and artistic and compassion fills her in abundance. She is a beauty who loves me to dress her up, fix her hair, put make up on her face. She trusts me and sends me back often to that first smile.

She was my first...my baby. I made mistakes and have said or done things that I regret. She has loved me and found ways to forgive me as I have struggled through this thing called "Motherhood" with her. Now she stands on the threshold of new adventures and growing up and I wonder where my little girl went. I love her and pray for her. I am so proud of her and know that she will go and take on the world with passion.

I am honored to be your Mom, Kelley. If there is one thing that I hope you know is that you are loved beyond what there are words to describe. I pray you will live your life to the crazy fullest. Follow your heart and DREAM BIG!!! Live your life with no regrets! If you make mistakes then get up, learn from them and move on. All that we do in life shapes us and gives us experience.

Remember what I have always told you, and that is I will always be here for you. I'd fight the devil himself to protect you kiddo and there is nothing that we can't handle. This is how it will always be...I'll always be here for you.

Congratulations my 2010 graduate. Big, Big things are waiting for you out there! Have a colorful, crazy life and paint it amazing!

I love you my Kelley "Belle"!

Mom

Greased Pigs! I swear they got me surrounded...

I think "greased pig" racing sums up my life. I chase them down...catch them, enjoy the victory and then BOOM! Those suckers slip right out of my hands just not wanting to be caught. I feel like I am tired of it, want to give up but someone has got to win...and is it going to be the PIG or me?

I still wrestle like crazy with my self image. It seems like not that long ago I was proud, and amazed that I weighed just what I weigh right now. I would have been thrilled to be here...where I am right now. However...I beat myself up severely because I got so far down that I feel such humiliation that I only stayed there for such a short time. PEOPLE KNOW I AM A FAILURE! All they have to do is see me now and they can see I have failed at the race I was winning. I try and I try and then try some more not to think in those terms. Those thoughts seem so vain and selfish but they are there and they nag me.

It is hard to walk amoungst those I love and feel like I have let them down. Sometimes I just want to shout to the heavens...."CAN'T I JUST BE ME???? PLEASE!!!!!"

My Own "Terabithia"

Today I woke and decided that I'd face the week head on. My weekend was fun with my parents here for a visit. I got to dress my daughter for a prom and she was a "stunner" and I attended my other daughter's piano recital where the music gave me chills. It was an all around great weekend. Of course it was "highlighted" by hamburgers, dip, chips, tacos and muffins and a beautiful coconut cream pie that I made. Suffice it to say I enjoyed myself.

It's a new day though...new week.

I got up this morning and stepped on the scale so I knew where I was starting off, got out my workout shorts and a trusty "T" and then laced up my shoes. After I played "taxi" I slipped away to my favorite walking place. This is "My Terabithia". I love this place. The smell of honeysuckle just filled my lungs, and the squirrels kept me on my toes as they made the pine straw move suddenly. The turtles were out getting their daily sun as the beams of light jetted through the trees. Every once in a while a leaf would sail down to the ground like a lost snow flake. I love walking through the arched canopies that are made by trees and vines that have bent over time. It is as if I am some sort of royalty in the forest and the red birds, and the blue jays are singing an anthem to me as I walk. I honestly started to cry a little. It was just a little. My heart was heavy for just a moment because I was saddened that I had robbed myself of these moments. I find peace in this. I find peace in trying hard to do what is best for me. I sat on a stump by the lake and said a prayer and thanked my Heavenly Father for the beauty that he has blessed me with in this earth. I also asked him forgiveness because lately I feel like "the little girl lost in the woods" and I have made A LOT of mistakes. The only thing I can do is "renew" and start again...one little step at a time but in the right direction.....towards good things.

Yep, gonna post two in one day...

I don't as a rule post twice in one day but I wanted to make a shout out to one of my friends!

I am so proud of Diane and wanted to tell her that I think she is doing an AWESOME JOB!

I am posting a picture of a lilly because she loves them. She knows what she has accomplished so I won't share ALL the goods but let's just suffice it to say she really rocks and I think she's wonderful!

Keep it up Ms. Diane! Your doing great!!!!!