And it's a few pounds early...
I really want that bike but I spent a chunk on something else so can't rationalize spending money on that bicycle right now. I went yesterday and got a gym membership instead. Yes, diving in head first...Justin and I are now members of a gym and I am excited. I am going this morning...he gets to go in to a super awesome kids room for two hours while I meet with a personal trainer to get measured, body fat figured out, a routine on the equipment worked out, and then afterwards...I am going to swim with him in the indoor saltwater pool for a while in my new size 12 bathing suit I bought yesterday that is so stinking cute! If I don't say so myself! My husband gives his stamp of approval so it must be cute! LOL
Now, I feel weird because the bicycle was symbolic for me in a way so it was tangible...and so I feel "let down" but at the same time....I really need this membership to shape and progress. So...it's a choice I made. Kinda a feel like a little kid at Christmas who didn't get what they wanted but got something else but yet I did it...how weird is that? Anyway...we are off to the gym...
Wish me luck!
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
Monday, April 27, 2009
Lots of things balled in to one post...
*I PEEKED...
I couldn't stand it. Kent and I went out to dinner on Saturday night. We ate in a restaurant. I told him...how badly I would have to beat off the "thoughts" playing around in my head. I ate a salad folks....a freaking salad...with feta, strawberries, grilled chicken and greens with an amazing strawberry vinaigrette. However, to satisfy him I ate two pieces of calamari (bleck!) and to satisfy me I nibbled on a pieced of pita bread. The two pieces of calamari couldn't have been more than 25 calories a piece and the piece of pita bread...maybe 50, shoot...even if it was 100....it was just a piece of pita bread for gosh sakes. Anyway....I was explaining how I would now have to talk myself through this "after meal" process and tell myself to enjoy the time out with him....enjoy the meal I had and "move on". Some of you may seriously get where I am coming from...others may be shaking your head but it's all part of the process here. Anyway.....Sunday morning....I couldn't stand it... like I was going to gain weight over night or something but I got on the scale...even though I said I wasn't going to until Wednesday....and I "peeked"....I had to look...and it's all good. I peeked again today....it's still good. I won't report on that until Wednesday....giggle. Scales are a bad obsession. At least I don't buy them....well I have two of them. It's not like my collection of sprinklers....but I have gotten better with the sprinkler fetish....but summer is coming and people will have theirs out and I may see something I just have to have....LOL (love you honey!)
*Did I tell you what I did at Sea World?
I rode a roller coaster with my husband and rode the "Great White" with my daughters and my son and then once again with my husband and one of my daughter's. This "fat chick" is no more. No more moving me around on the ride because the bars won't lock down baby! I did it not because I am a fan of scary rides but because I wanted to "leap". I wanted to share that experience and do something fun with my family that I haven't been able to do or have been afraid to do because I was "too fat". I just wanted to share with you how much fun it was. The roller coaster scared the crap out of me and I thought I was going to fly out of it but it was fun!
*I am ready to get "Pumped Up"
Kent and I were walking yesterday and I was joking around with him. It blows my mind to realize that I am now about 46 pounds away from my goal. That is if I decide that is where I want to be. It could be I want to go more...I could go less but that is my 25 BMI goal so that is what I am going for right now until I decide otherwise. So I want to join a gym now because I am at a point where walking and the few things that are available to me at the little gym we have at our club house aren't really enough. I need MORE to finish me and shape me and mold my muscles. My joke with my husband was that he may start wondering what happened to his wife. I told him that we might have our counters lined with those giant plastic jugs of protein powder, and I'll have those silly weight lifting gloves on all the time and our conversations will be littered with gluts, pecs and traps...hahaha! No, that is not what I am going for....it's such a funny thought though to me.
*New Friends All The Time Asking For My Blog
Perhaps I should have put this first but I didn't...so if you hung in there this long...it means you'll stay. Everyday it seems I have people who haven't seen me for a while and they are a little shocked. They asked me what have I done, how much, etc. As you may quickly learn...I blog a lot...not for the people who read it....but for me. This is sort of my journal. Most of it is about my weight loss journey with a little bit of my family triumphs and struggles mixed in as well because this my life. So it's LONG read. If you have the time, if you really want to know then start from the beginning. I can give you a quickie synopsis but the real story is woven within the threads of this blog. Perhaps there is something here that might help you if that is what your looking for.
Here's how it goes: I have been overweight most of my adult life. I was always bigger than everyone when I was in grade school, Jr. high, high school but not "fat" per se but bigger definitely. I chalked it up to big bones, giant feet, big hands. It made me feel so inferior to everyone else and I hated how that felt. I comforted myself by eating, binging...hiding food...and then those lovely fad diets. If you can name the diet...I have been on it.
I have 4 children and my weight has climbed steadily. I used to say I would never consider weight loss surgery but I was getting to the point where I thought about it...I felt that desperate. I told my husband that I was going to give myself a year to do it on my own...but I didn't really dive in to that year...until we moved to Houston. In November I was sick with a bad cough/cold...my husband made me go to the Dr. I really didn't want to go. I didn't want to go because I knew if I went I would have to stand on a scale and face a reality that I did not want to face. I did not want to know how much I really weighed. I had an idea but wasn't sure. I was really sick and not getting better so I didn't really have a choice. I went and when I stood on the scale I was shocked. I weighed 286 pounds. By the time I got in to the little office I was in tears and the Dr. checked me out and discovered I had the beginning of pneumonia and then she asked why the tears and I told her I had to do something about my weight. We decided to have me return for a full physical when I was over the pneumonia and talk about how I should go about losing weight. She put me on an anti-biotic and gave me other cough meds and stuff and told me to come back in a week for a follow up. Well, the antibiotic she gave me was VERY strong....so strong that it gave me a rash...under the fold of my stomach and in the fold of my legs. It was very painful. When your that overweight your stomach hangs over and you can have these awful folds and moisture builds up there. This is what was happening. I went back to the Dr. and this is when I had my "last straw" moment.
I sat there humiliated beyond description while the Dr. tried to tell me how to shower myself and clean those areas, talking about lifting skin, and squatting, and taking a hair dryer and drying those areas to make sure they were dry. And there it is....that moment that I said...."no more of this.....I am not doing this anymore". I am not going to live like this...this is not okay....it is not okay to be like this. I am not happy....I am not healthy....I want to save my life". Never in my life have I ever been more embarrassed and completely raw like I was at that moment.....I cannot even describe how I felt. This poor Dr. was trying so hard to be delicate but it just hit me like nothing in the world ever could have. I was on a path to self destruction.....and the only person who could get me off that path once and for all was ME!
I got over my pneumonia, and my yeast infection of the skin (because that is what it was) and went back and had tons of blood work and my Dr. basically said....exercise...low fat, low carb, low cholesterol.......CHANGE YOUR LIFESTYLE. The best thing she said was .....no diet....whatever you do....understand this is going to have to be what you do for the rest of your life....life brushing your teeth. So no diet....just change your lifestyle.
Dec. 1, 2008 I started a change in my life. I weighed on that date...280 pounds. I decided that I would eat high fiber foods, low fat, veg's, fresh fruits in moderation, almonds, olive oil, avocados, little red meat, fish and lots of ground turkey breast, chicken, nothing white, no soda, lots of water. I exercise 5 days a week which mainly includes walking at least 45 minutes a day. I feed my family what I eat....so I cook regular meals and we sit down together and eat like a family. Every once in a while they have something different but as a rule...we all eat the same. I don't count calories...I am conscious of portion sizes....snacks are super important and I make sure they are protein snacks like a 1/4 of almonds or cheese stick, or some cottage cheese and fruit. I enjoy bites of chocolate from 60 calorie chocolate sticks that are low in fat but have the 60% cacao which is good for the heart, or I enjoy ff, sugar free pudding cups, or a skinny cow ice cream sandwich for a treat every once in a while.
To date I have lost almost 77 pounds or 83 from that 286 I weighed in November. I am looking forward to breaking 200 very shortly here and then reaching my goal weight by summer's end/early fall. For the first time in my life now there is no doubt in my mind. I know I will do this....it's very clear. I had to have the experience I did though to really shake me up. When my husband reads this....he'll finally know what that "last straw" was...because I have been too humiliated to share it with even him. I just can't speak the words I guess...it's too painful. I am not that person now...but it still hurts.
So, new friends...and old....I have just walked you through my journey...the short version. You learned something new about me that I am finally ready to share. Reach inside yourselves....save yourselves. I promise you it feels so much better on the other side and if this chick can get where she is right now....you can get there too.
I couldn't stand it. Kent and I went out to dinner on Saturday night. We ate in a restaurant. I told him...how badly I would have to beat off the "thoughts" playing around in my head. I ate a salad folks....a freaking salad...with feta, strawberries, grilled chicken and greens with an amazing strawberry vinaigrette. However, to satisfy him I ate two pieces of calamari (bleck!) and to satisfy me I nibbled on a pieced of pita bread. The two pieces of calamari couldn't have been more than 25 calories a piece and the piece of pita bread...maybe 50, shoot...even if it was 100....it was just a piece of pita bread for gosh sakes. Anyway....I was explaining how I would now have to talk myself through this "after meal" process and tell myself to enjoy the time out with him....enjoy the meal I had and "move on". Some of you may seriously get where I am coming from...others may be shaking your head but it's all part of the process here. Anyway.....Sunday morning....I couldn't stand it... like I was going to gain weight over night or something but I got on the scale...even though I said I wasn't going to until Wednesday....and I "peeked"....I had to look...and it's all good. I peeked again today....it's still good. I won't report on that until Wednesday....giggle. Scales are a bad obsession. At least I don't buy them....well I have two of them. It's not like my collection of sprinklers....but I have gotten better with the sprinkler fetish....but summer is coming and people will have theirs out and I may see something I just have to have....LOL (love you honey!)
*Did I tell you what I did at Sea World?
I rode a roller coaster with my husband and rode the "Great White" with my daughters and my son and then once again with my husband and one of my daughter's. This "fat chick" is no more. No more moving me around on the ride because the bars won't lock down baby! I did it not because I am a fan of scary rides but because I wanted to "leap". I wanted to share that experience and do something fun with my family that I haven't been able to do or have been afraid to do because I was "too fat". I just wanted to share with you how much fun it was. The roller coaster scared the crap out of me and I thought I was going to fly out of it but it was fun!
*I am ready to get "Pumped Up"
Kent and I were walking yesterday and I was joking around with him. It blows my mind to realize that I am now about 46 pounds away from my goal. That is if I decide that is where I want to be. It could be I want to go more...I could go less but that is my 25 BMI goal so that is what I am going for right now until I decide otherwise. So I want to join a gym now because I am at a point where walking and the few things that are available to me at the little gym we have at our club house aren't really enough. I need MORE to finish me and shape me and mold my muscles. My joke with my husband was that he may start wondering what happened to his wife. I told him that we might have our counters lined with those giant plastic jugs of protein powder, and I'll have those silly weight lifting gloves on all the time and our conversations will be littered with gluts, pecs and traps...hahaha! No, that is not what I am going for....it's such a funny thought though to me.
*New Friends All The Time Asking For My Blog
Perhaps I should have put this first but I didn't...so if you hung in there this long...it means you'll stay. Everyday it seems I have people who haven't seen me for a while and they are a little shocked. They asked me what have I done, how much, etc. As you may quickly learn...I blog a lot...not for the people who read it....but for me. This is sort of my journal. Most of it is about my weight loss journey with a little bit of my family triumphs and struggles mixed in as well because this my life. So it's LONG read. If you have the time, if you really want to know then start from the beginning. I can give you a quickie synopsis but the real story is woven within the threads of this blog. Perhaps there is something here that might help you if that is what your looking for.
Here's how it goes: I have been overweight most of my adult life. I was always bigger than everyone when I was in grade school, Jr. high, high school but not "fat" per se but bigger definitely. I chalked it up to big bones, giant feet, big hands. It made me feel so inferior to everyone else and I hated how that felt. I comforted myself by eating, binging...hiding food...and then those lovely fad diets. If you can name the diet...I have been on it.
I have 4 children and my weight has climbed steadily. I used to say I would never consider weight loss surgery but I was getting to the point where I thought about it...I felt that desperate. I told my husband that I was going to give myself a year to do it on my own...but I didn't really dive in to that year...until we moved to Houston. In November I was sick with a bad cough/cold...my husband made me go to the Dr. I really didn't want to go. I didn't want to go because I knew if I went I would have to stand on a scale and face a reality that I did not want to face. I did not want to know how much I really weighed. I had an idea but wasn't sure. I was really sick and not getting better so I didn't really have a choice. I went and when I stood on the scale I was shocked. I weighed 286 pounds. By the time I got in to the little office I was in tears and the Dr. checked me out and discovered I had the beginning of pneumonia and then she asked why the tears and I told her I had to do something about my weight. We decided to have me return for a full physical when I was over the pneumonia and talk about how I should go about losing weight. She put me on an anti-biotic and gave me other cough meds and stuff and told me to come back in a week for a follow up. Well, the antibiotic she gave me was VERY strong....so strong that it gave me a rash...under the fold of my stomach and in the fold of my legs. It was very painful. When your that overweight your stomach hangs over and you can have these awful folds and moisture builds up there. This is what was happening. I went back to the Dr. and this is when I had my "last straw" moment.
I sat there humiliated beyond description while the Dr. tried to tell me how to shower myself and clean those areas, talking about lifting skin, and squatting, and taking a hair dryer and drying those areas to make sure they were dry. And there it is....that moment that I said...."no more of this.....I am not doing this anymore". I am not going to live like this...this is not okay....it is not okay to be like this. I am not happy....I am not healthy....I want to save my life". Never in my life have I ever been more embarrassed and completely raw like I was at that moment.....I cannot even describe how I felt. This poor Dr. was trying so hard to be delicate but it just hit me like nothing in the world ever could have. I was on a path to self destruction.....and the only person who could get me off that path once and for all was ME!
I got over my pneumonia, and my yeast infection of the skin (because that is what it was) and went back and had tons of blood work and my Dr. basically said....exercise...low fat, low carb, low cholesterol.......CHANGE YOUR LIFESTYLE. The best thing she said was .....no diet....whatever you do....understand this is going to have to be what you do for the rest of your life....life brushing your teeth. So no diet....just change your lifestyle.
Dec. 1, 2008 I started a change in my life. I weighed on that date...280 pounds. I decided that I would eat high fiber foods, low fat, veg's, fresh fruits in moderation, almonds, olive oil, avocados, little red meat, fish and lots of ground turkey breast, chicken, nothing white, no soda, lots of water. I exercise 5 days a week which mainly includes walking at least 45 minutes a day. I feed my family what I eat....so I cook regular meals and we sit down together and eat like a family. Every once in a while they have something different but as a rule...we all eat the same. I don't count calories...I am conscious of portion sizes....snacks are super important and I make sure they are protein snacks like a 1/4 of almonds or cheese stick, or some cottage cheese and fruit. I enjoy bites of chocolate from 60 calorie chocolate sticks that are low in fat but have the 60% cacao which is good for the heart, or I enjoy ff, sugar free pudding cups, or a skinny cow ice cream sandwich for a treat every once in a while.
To date I have lost almost 77 pounds or 83 from that 286 I weighed in November. I am looking forward to breaking 200 very shortly here and then reaching my goal weight by summer's end/early fall. For the first time in my life now there is no doubt in my mind. I know I will do this....it's very clear. I had to have the experience I did though to really shake me up. When my husband reads this....he'll finally know what that "last straw" was...because I have been too humiliated to share it with even him. I just can't speak the words I guess...it's too painful. I am not that person now...but it still hurts.
So, new friends...and old....I have just walked you through my journey...the short version. You learned something new about me that I am finally ready to share. Reach inside yourselves....save yourselves. I promise you it feels so much better on the other side and if this chick can get where she is right now....you can get there too.
Friday, April 24, 2009
Tickle Me! I borrowed my DAUGTER'S sweater!
Can you believe it? Yep, I actually raided my daughters clothes...my little bitty thing of a daughter, found a sweater and I wore it...it fit me and I looked good....(with a growl)! hahahahahahah Okay, so it was probably a little bit too big for her but my point is that I borrowed my 16 year olds sweater...and holy moly it was just the best boost for me! Another milestone.... but wait....does that mean that when I get to be smaller....my daughter's might be eyeballing my cute clothes? Things that make you go hmmmmmmmmmmmm......LOL
Okay, here is a recipe I sort of "invented" yesterday and I got pretty good reviews so I will share. I suppose I should give them a name...so I will call them "Half Cookies" because half of the ingredients are good for you...haha!
Half Cookies
Preheat oven to 375 degrees
1 stick butter
1/2 cup cashew butter (or almond butter or peanut butter)
3/4 cup Splenda
3/4 cup brown sugar
2 eggs
1 tsp vanilla
Cream all this together in a bowl.
Add in 1 cup all purpose flour and 1 cup whole wheat flour, 1 tsp. baking soda and 1 tsp. salt. Mix together.
Add 1/2 cup nuts, and 1 cup chocolate chips and 1 cup white chocolate chips and stir this in by hand. (you could do any combination of chips you like, even use the carob chips or do white chocolate and cranberries...yum!)
Using a cookie scoop, drop these out on cookie sheet and bake for about 10 minutes until done. They don't spread out, at least mine didn't. If you figure out a way to make them spread...let me know.
Okay, here is a recipe I sort of "invented" yesterday and I got pretty good reviews so I will share. I suppose I should give them a name...so I will call them "Half Cookies" because half of the ingredients are good for you...haha!
Half Cookies
Preheat oven to 375 degrees
1 stick butter
1/2 cup cashew butter (or almond butter or peanut butter)
3/4 cup Splenda
3/4 cup brown sugar
2 eggs
1 tsp vanilla
Cream all this together in a bowl.
Add in 1 cup all purpose flour and 1 cup whole wheat flour, 1 tsp. baking soda and 1 tsp. salt. Mix together.
Add 1/2 cup nuts, and 1 cup chocolate chips and 1 cup white chocolate chips and stir this in by hand. (you could do any combination of chips you like, even use the carob chips or do white chocolate and cranberries...yum!)
Using a cookie scoop, drop these out on cookie sheet and bake for about 10 minutes until done. They don't spread out, at least mine didn't. If you figure out a way to make them spread...let me know.
Thursday, April 23, 2009
I need to stop jumping on that scale every day.
I don't know why I do that...every morning...strip naked and get on the scale. I need to stop it because I think it's more stress than I need. I am always talking about how this is a "lifestyle" change but surely I don't intend on doing this scale thing daily for the rest of my life. Plus....take this week...I am on my period and yep...it goes up a couple of ounces and what am I doing...but cringing when that so silly of me. If I wasn't so hell bent on knowing daily what I weighed then I'd not be aware of those slight changes that could be something as simple as not having gone to the bathroom or had too big a glass of water.
I need to make a change...I weighed today it was 207.2. I am going to do everything I can to resist that scale until next Wednesday. That's 6 days.....To put the scale out of my head and keep focused on other things. I am waiting until Wednesday because I am in two different groups (a Facebook Slim Group and a Coastie Chicks Weight Loss Group) and Wednesday is the weigh in day for one and the last day I can weigh in for the other. I will do everything I can to be a good girl. My hubs likes to weigh but hopefully he'll throw the scale back in my closet after he is done so it's not right there out in the open like it has been tempting me. Giggle!
Last couple of days I felt sort of sluggish. I took yesterday off from working out. Since I keep my working out to 5 days a week I get an extra day during the middle of the week if I need it. Wednesdays are so crazy with piano lessons and church/scouts...so that seems to be the day that I usually pick. I just felt drained so it was a good day to pick. Today I am ready for a walk on the turtle trails with my little man....
I need to make a change...I weighed today it was 207.2. I am going to do everything I can to resist that scale until next Wednesday. That's 6 days.....To put the scale out of my head and keep focused on other things. I am waiting until Wednesday because I am in two different groups (a Facebook Slim Group and a Coastie Chicks Weight Loss Group) and Wednesday is the weigh in day for one and the last day I can weigh in for the other. I will do everything I can to be a good girl. My hubs likes to weigh but hopefully he'll throw the scale back in my closet after he is done so it's not right there out in the open like it has been tempting me. Giggle!
Last couple of days I felt sort of sluggish. I took yesterday off from working out. Since I keep my working out to 5 days a week I get an extra day during the middle of the week if I need it. Wednesdays are so crazy with piano lessons and church/scouts...so that seems to be the day that I usually pick. I just felt drained so it was a good day to pick. Today I am ready for a walk on the turtle trails with my little man....
Sunday, April 19, 2009
Feeling Better Now, PMS...Such a beast!
I think the last couple of days I was attacked by the PMS beast. Seriously...it hit with a vengeance! I am normally not THAT emotional. So....some of my ramblings may have been heightened by my raging hormones. My thoughts were sincere but WOZA! I was super moody!
Friday and Saturday it rained like crazy here. Friday night we went to the gym which is not my favorite place...I much rather be out walking in the fresh air but I did the tread mill and then weights for a while. Saturday you would have thought it was a hurricane coming in....the rain was unbelievable....and even the wind driven rain was crazy. So I told Kent that I just didn't want to go back to the gym....I had done my exercises on the ball but didn't feel up to the gym boredom...and then about 6....the sun came out...and I could here the birds singing outside. I quickly got outside while it was clear and went for a walk. It wasn't a long one but it was a nice one and felt so good to get out. I even ran some which felt wonderful. I did one stretch of running that I had to push myself through. I told the hubs that I was talking myself through the entire time because I wanted to quit....I had to say to myself..."you have no reason to quit....keep going....you have done things harder than this...your not dying here....you are almost there...etc". It wasn't even all that far a stretch but my point is... it was point A to point B and somewhere in the middle I wanted to stop but I DIDN'T. That made me feel really good. Now I need to find another point A, B and then add a C in there.
I am now over 72 pounds down and just over 7 pounds away from breaking 200. I think I am actually a little scared by how I will feel on that day. I probably don't need to even think about it. I just need to do it and then move on to the next milestone. Speaking of milestones....I discovered another one that some will appreciate and others won't relate to. You know you have really lost ALOT of weight when you can wrap a bath towel around you and it completely closes and you can tuck it in and everything like a normal person. Oh yeah...and I can put on my husband's pants too.....how about them apples? hahahahahaha. They are too short for me...and not my style but yep, I can raid his closet now....LOL (if I was really desperate)
Friday and Saturday it rained like crazy here. Friday night we went to the gym which is not my favorite place...I much rather be out walking in the fresh air but I did the tread mill and then weights for a while. Saturday you would have thought it was a hurricane coming in....the rain was unbelievable....and even the wind driven rain was crazy. So I told Kent that I just didn't want to go back to the gym....I had done my exercises on the ball but didn't feel up to the gym boredom...and then about 6....the sun came out...and I could here the birds singing outside. I quickly got outside while it was clear and went for a walk. It wasn't a long one but it was a nice one and felt so good to get out. I even ran some which felt wonderful. I did one stretch of running that I had to push myself through. I told the hubs that I was talking myself through the entire time because I wanted to quit....I had to say to myself..."you have no reason to quit....keep going....you have done things harder than this...your not dying here....you are almost there...etc". It wasn't even all that far a stretch but my point is... it was point A to point B and somewhere in the middle I wanted to stop but I DIDN'T. That made me feel really good. Now I need to find another point A, B and then add a C in there.
I am now over 72 pounds down and just over 7 pounds away from breaking 200. I think I am actually a little scared by how I will feel on that day. I probably don't need to even think about it. I just need to do it and then move on to the next milestone. Speaking of milestones....I discovered another one that some will appreciate and others won't relate to. You know you have really lost ALOT of weight when you can wrap a bath towel around you and it completely closes and you can tuck it in and everything like a normal person. Oh yeah...and I can put on my husband's pants too.....how about them apples? hahahahahaha. They are too short for me...and not my style but yep, I can raid his closet now....LOL (if I was really desperate)
Thursday, April 16, 2009
and more thoughts....while pushing a mop
Now I know why I don't like to clean...it leads to thinking....
I think I know why I am a bit overwhelmed...I find that I look at myself now and ask "what have I done and I why did I do it?" Then I realise that I don't have the body of a 19 year old...I waited too late. I mean....it's not too late...I just mean...I'll never have what I could have had. I'll have something different but my skin is different now...my boobs hang low...LOL (nobody sing that stupid song) Today for some reason I am just angry at myself. It's kinda like taking a piece of paper and wadding it up....no matter how hard you try to smooth it....it'll never be like it was. It just feels like letting myself get the way I was...sorta wrecked my body. Ugh.... Could it be that I know I am getting older...and I see it in my body and losing all this weight doesn't help what gravity does on it's own anyway?
Self defeating....I know, I know...I know...BUT THIS IS THE REALITY OF WHAT THIS NIGHTMARE CAN BE.....It's not up all the time....I have my down in the bogs some days....and today is one of them. Later when my hubs comes home and we go for a walk, feed the ducks with Justin....hopefully I'll feel better....in the meantime...back to my mop and my thoughts...ugh...
I think I know why I am a bit overwhelmed...I find that I look at myself now and ask "what have I done and I why did I do it?" Then I realise that I don't have the body of a 19 year old...I waited too late. I mean....it's not too late...I just mean...I'll never have what I could have had. I'll have something different but my skin is different now...my boobs hang low...LOL (nobody sing that stupid song) Today for some reason I am just angry at myself. It's kinda like taking a piece of paper and wadding it up....no matter how hard you try to smooth it....it'll never be like it was. It just feels like letting myself get the way I was...sorta wrecked my body. Ugh.... Could it be that I know I am getting older...and I see it in my body and losing all this weight doesn't help what gravity does on it's own anyway?
Self defeating....I know, I know...I know...BUT THIS IS THE REALITY OF WHAT THIS NIGHTMARE CAN BE.....It's not up all the time....I have my down in the bogs some days....and today is one of them. Later when my hubs comes home and we go for a walk, feed the ducks with Justin....hopefully I'll feel better....in the meantime...back to my mop and my thoughts...ugh...
Self Love....jeez...What a toughy sometimes!
So why is it that I am so much better than I once was...and yet I still have those critical glasses on? Ugh....I hate that. I have those days....I expect them but jeez....some are far worse than others. Those are the days that I know I am having to work on my head....and have a talk with that nasty "other voice" that likes to peek around the corner sometimes. You know the one that reminds me that yeah, my legs are smaller but look how lumpy they are, or how saggy my butt is, or how my neck is hanging down now because I have lost the fat in it, or how my stomach would be so much smaller if it I could cut off that skin and pooch from having 4 kids, etc, etc, etc. I think in cartoonish ways....wanting to dip my hands in a gelatinous and super fluid-like mirror and choke that person I see and say...."Knock that crap off"! I know better! I truly know better. This is just part of the journey though....this is the fighting part....it's not just the walking and the eating and the sweating....the is part of the struggling. The voices that try to tell you that no matter how hard you try it won't be good enough. The funny thing is.....I finally know better....I just don't like listening to them....I find them annoying and painful.
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Yesterday I went to Walmart to get some stuff. I had fun reading the labels on BBQ sauce of all things. Now when I read labels I look at a lot of things. I look at fat calories, sodium, total calories, serving size, how many servings are actually in a package (they actually are very sneaky with that one) FIBER...biggie with me...almost always looking for 3 grams or more (depending on what it is) and then sugar. So I was shocked at the differences in BBQ sauces. They have such a huge range in sugar grams and if your aren't a label reader...you won't catch it. I saved 35 calories....just by doing some research and blocking the isle. (giggle!) It wasn't even a lite sauce, just the Walmart Hickory brand that was 35 calories for 2 tbsp serving. It had only 6 grams of sugar. I took a round roast that I had removed all the fat from. (which there was very little of in the first place) and covered it in a dry rub seasoning I make, put a little BBQ sauce and then put it in the crock pot and let it cook all day. Last night I shredded that up and we had it on whole wheat buns I buy that are sugar-free, high fiber and only 110 calories for the bun. I made coleslaw with cabbage and carrots to top them with. I make a dressing for the coleslaw which is very good which has canola mayo, honey, apple cider vinegar, celery seed, kosher salt and black pepper. I use very little to a lot of cabbage and carrots.
Why am I telling you what I had for dinner? Because I have people ask me what I eat? I feed my family pretty normal meals...I just watch how I fix them. If I didn't try to do things as normal as possible this wouldn't be a "life change". Tonight I am making red beans and rice. (brown rice of course, sausage will be smoked turkey sausage. I am using ham base which is a ham bouilion, no fat in it instead of frying up a bunch of bacon....but it does have some bacon. I actually bought the real bacon pieces that have 1.5 g's of fat that you would use in salad. I chose that over the "center cut" that is supposed to be a better choice over regular bacon but even that has 4 g's of fat. I only added in 2.5 oz so there isn't too much in there but enough for some flavor. It's really yummy. I did buy some frozen biscuits for the crew so they'll have a treat...haha...cuz Mama ain't makin no biscuits! I have left over cole slaw! I am all set!
Well, it's early and I got a whole day ahead of me for house cleaning and walking and hopefully accomplishing plenty.
And...before I sign off....just stepped on the scale...and it read....208.4.... so that's 71.6
I do this silly 3 times a charm thing. I get on and off three times. If it reads that same number 3 times then I accept it... I know...I know...I am just weird like that.
Have a great day!
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Yesterday I went to Walmart to get some stuff. I had fun reading the labels on BBQ sauce of all things. Now when I read labels I look at a lot of things. I look at fat calories, sodium, total calories, serving size, how many servings are actually in a package (they actually are very sneaky with that one) FIBER...biggie with me...almost always looking for 3 grams or more (depending on what it is) and then sugar. So I was shocked at the differences in BBQ sauces. They have such a huge range in sugar grams and if your aren't a label reader...you won't catch it. I saved 35 calories....just by doing some research and blocking the isle. (giggle!) It wasn't even a lite sauce, just the Walmart Hickory brand that was 35 calories for 2 tbsp serving. It had only 6 grams of sugar. I took a round roast that I had removed all the fat from. (which there was very little of in the first place) and covered it in a dry rub seasoning I make, put a little BBQ sauce and then put it in the crock pot and let it cook all day. Last night I shredded that up and we had it on whole wheat buns I buy that are sugar-free, high fiber and only 110 calories for the bun. I made coleslaw with cabbage and carrots to top them with. I make a dressing for the coleslaw which is very good which has canola mayo, honey, apple cider vinegar, celery seed, kosher salt and black pepper. I use very little to a lot of cabbage and carrots.
Why am I telling you what I had for dinner? Because I have people ask me what I eat? I feed my family pretty normal meals...I just watch how I fix them. If I didn't try to do things as normal as possible this wouldn't be a "life change". Tonight I am making red beans and rice. (brown rice of course, sausage will be smoked turkey sausage. I am using ham base which is a ham bouilion, no fat in it instead of frying up a bunch of bacon....but it does have some bacon. I actually bought the real bacon pieces that have 1.5 g's of fat that you would use in salad. I chose that over the "center cut" that is supposed to be a better choice over regular bacon but even that has 4 g's of fat. I only added in 2.5 oz so there isn't too much in there but enough for some flavor. It's really yummy. I did buy some frozen biscuits for the crew so they'll have a treat...haha...cuz Mama ain't makin no biscuits! I have left over cole slaw! I am all set!
Well, it's early and I got a whole day ahead of me for house cleaning and walking and hopefully accomplishing plenty.
And...before I sign off....just stepped on the scale...and it read....208.4.... so that's 71.6
I do this silly 3 times a charm thing. I get on and off three times. If it reads that same number 3 times then I accept it... I know...I know...I am just weird like that.
Have a great day!
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