Recently a friend Facebooked me and told me she was reading my blog again. How cool is that. Hi Friend! :) I took my little guy to the zoo yesterday and counted that as my walk. I think I could have probably clocked off another couple of miles last night but I was beat. It was hot here. I am really trying to get in to this good habit of walking daily before the rainy/cold season comes. Fortunately, my gift for Christmas this past year was some amazing Brooks tennis shoes with the waterproof liner in them. I am just now breaking them in. I switch shoes around a lot. My feet hopefully slim down a little because they are so wide and I need a little room. I am not miserable but a little room would be sweet. I was talking to my sweetheart the other night that I have a little goal or it's a big goal but it will probably happen next summer. When I get there my "REWARD" is I want to go on a date with him kayaking. I want to go and enjoy it and be healthy and fit enough to not go three rows and be done. I also don't want to be so squished in a kayak that if it rolls I can't pop my fat ass out of it. So that is one of my goals...outdoor date with my sweetheart, kayaking. It's gonna be awesome. Yesterday when I was out, I was faced with "food choices" so at breakfast I simply asked for a scrambled egg white and one piece of wheat toast with no butter. That worked great. I did have a cone at the zoo but not giving myself heck for that. It was hot and I figure it is that non dairy nonsence I am sure it was walked off. On the way home we stopped at Red Robin and I got a Cobb Salad with grilled chicken and a vinagrette on the side. I really just picked through it. I touched my fork in the dressing a couple of times but was pretty careful about what and how I ate. At the end of the day...I felt pretty guiltless but happy I spent time with my son and a good friend and her daughter. Fun times. One thing I have to work on is increasing the water but "tiny bladder" causes issues so that is a balancing act especially when it gets closer to the evening. I have yet to pee behind a tree but don't think I have considered it. I am just frustrated because I keep waiting to feel different. Thinner, clothes looser, something. Is my face thinner, are my arms thinner? Anything? I know I need to stop this because I am making really good choices and decisions but it's hard because those are motivators. I just have to keep reminding myself that part of why I am walking more is largely mental...it's a clearing house time for me. Sacred space all my own to leave my thoughts on the road, and pray and purge and de-stress. No matter what I feel better. I am doing more, moving more and my energy level has improved tremendously. I know things will change physically and I just need to be patient. Walking up those hills that are so hard I sometimes tell myself outloud...."Don't quit right now when it's hard. When it's hard is when it's doing the most good". I know that is true. All the things in my life that I learned the most from happened during the hardest times of my life. I just kick myself still for giving up on me when I was doing so well and had accomplished so much and now and I have to do all this crap all over again and it feels so much harder. Ugg.... My biggest prayer is that I learn from my mistakes this time and go slow, and understand what is going on with me. I don't want to stand in front of a mirror and not recognise that person, freak out and stop everything. I don't want to be frustrated by peoples attention at changes I make. I just want to get used to being me, whomever ME, is.

Well, it was 2.5 today but so glad I went. I got tripped up by my path having a huge private party of dragster cars on it with a slew of people standing around. So I walked a different route and had my husband come grab me so I wouldn't have to walk back by them. Silly but whatchagonnado? :)

Today is one of those days I am dragging. I will push myself the door for a much needed walk. I know I will feel better afterward though I probably won't set any speed records. I was beating myself up the other night because of my distance and pace but then realized I have made such a turn around. Just the fact that I am out and making an effort is huge so no beating myself up anymore. Tonight I made vegetarian stuffed zucchini. It was really good. I also baked off some chicken breasts so I will have some lean protein for the week. I am trying to plan more ahead so that eating for me during the day is easier. (I am a meal skipper) I am also trying to make it easier to keep up with family meals. They are either benefiting or suffering through this. LOL

Continuing to Challenge Myself

The walking continues. Sunday I walked in the forest and did 3 miles and it felt great. Hard, but great. It's very up and down in there. Yesterday I did 3.67 miles. My body is starting to feel like it can be pushed harder but I also want to be careful not to go too hard too fast. My knees hurt, and my feet hurt and my back hurts and well I just sound like an old lady whining. Whaaaaa. I take a dose of Advil a bit before I go. I feel like there is so much I need to let go over, get over and forgive myself for and forgive. That is a big part of what I have been carrying with me for years. Layers and layers of pain that go way back. Trying to pick it off one layer at a time is hard but also not trying to dredge up stuff if it is not surfaced either. What's the point of that. I told my dear sweetheart last night that this walk is such a selfish thing for me right now. It is my time and I am protective of it. It is more a mental hour for me than physical (though I know the health benefits are huge). I get to unwind, process, and pray and just push myself and give me something to feel good about. That makes me happy and clears my head. Sept. 4, I go to my Dr. and it will be a month since I have seen him so it will be interesting to find out if I have lost anything. Hopefully I have. I have gained confidence. :) Onward Ho!

Walking Again….a Liberation

Walking again for me has felt liberating. I must admit there has been at least one day I had to talk myself in to it. That was probably the day I needed to go the most. It had been a crazy, stress-filled day and my brain was boiling over. I went on a nice 40 minute walk and meditated and prayed and felt great relief by the time I returned home. I am trying to formulate a plan of sorts as to how exactly I want to achieve my goal…but I guess more than anything it includes two things, steps (as in with my feet) and prayer. The eating better, and all the other things I need to be doing will be sorted out but movement in a forward direction with my feet and then constant communication with my Heavenly Father is critical. I need strength to worth through all the stuff I am packing around in my life. A person is not overweight because they love being overweight. That really just isn't true. Secondly at this time I have all these daily battles I am working through mentally and emotionally that throw up brick walls. They are not made with any mortar, just bricks and it is only I who can pick them up on at a time and unbuild the walls and make sure they stay down. "Steps" is literal and figurative because this work I need to do will come in steps. BUT…for now it is liberating to keep my shoes on throughout the day once I put them on with the understanding that a walk will come. I look forward to it, I work towards it, I wrap my day up and end it with that. It's my time to commune with with my thoughts and prayers.

I am using my phone of all things to make a blog entry. Today I walked. I actually walked twice. I have decided I can't stay this way and only I have the power to change me. So I have a goal to reach by my 50th birthday which is in a year and 6 months from now. It's reasonable. I told my husband I need to walk for mental and physical health. Sometimes I need to escape the house.I am heavy, tired, my feet hurt, my back hurts and I am overwhelmed with my life. I need to do something for me. Here it is. So it started before with those first steps and I am praying these will be the first steps to better health. Yes I did say praying because I did that along the way too. I need help from above.

It's been a while....

This year has just been weird. This has been our second year here in the PACNW and I don't know if it's location, this funky cabin/house we live in or what. My enthusiasm for "HERE" is fleeting and I just am tired. I am also tired of being in the place where I am at physically because I am miserable. It is not just "asthetics", it is physically miserable on top of the shitty self esteem. After thinking, and mulling it over for a while now I decided that I am going to do something this year. Yep, a resolution. A simple one. MOVE MORE/EAT LESS. One of the reasons why I am as miserable as I am is because I don't get out an walk as I love to do. So I am committing myself to go 3 x's a week to do that for however long I want. I don't care if it is 10 minutes or turns in to 2 hours. The point for me is that I spent it moving. My eating I am trying to change some toward the more high fiber, lower fat, more veg, fruit, lean meat and such as I used to eat. I just don't want to go nuts. If I go nuts then I will fail...so for not it is MOVE MORE/EAT LESS and I will see how it goes.