Don't even know where to begin...so guess here is a start.....

I have always said this is like my journal of sorts. It's crazy to think that in just a few short months it will be almost a year since I posted anything in here. I feel like I am much like the ocean...I come and go in waves...that is how my life is...in and out...in and out. There is nothing really about that but dive in when I can...and swim....and enjoy it while I can and hope I can stay in as long as I am able but all the while knowing that historically my personal track record is to get out of the water...eventually...for whatever reasons....We aren't supposed to self hate...I try really hard not to. We aren't supposed to beat ourselves up when we fail and I try not to do that either but it's really, really hard when I succeed and find such joy in overcoming personal obstacles and then let myself take a nose dive....because my "feelings/emotions/demons" become easier to bow down to than pull myself out of the funk. I wait on the shore for the perfect wave....making excuses why this one or that isn't "it" all the while wasting time and getting more angry and further in the mire of self pity.
Once upon a time I had to make a really difficult decision....probably one of the most difficult I have ever made in my life...and it took me years to get there but I literally woke up one day, put my feet on the ground and just did it. It was shocking and life changing for many people but I had to do it that way because the "perfect wave" was there I guess. I have no regrets whatsoever about that choice...NONE. I find myself in a place right now where I am feeling lost and lonely and frustrated and angry...and instead of taking all of that and using it to push myself in a positive direction...I am screwed up. Yes....this is about weight....and is about not feeling good about me or where I am at in the grand scheme of things but it's about this fucking limbo place that I am so tired of coming back to constantly. It's old....it's not a good place...I don't like it....and I don't get why I keep pushing me back here...what did I do to make myself think I deserve to be in this "space"? I guess again it comes down to just jumping in...or jumping off or whatever but pushing myself through the wall of waves that I don't find appealing. So that's it's for now. This post I make no promises or grand plans or big starts....I am just standing on the shore...

Day 59....just one day left and thank goodness....

I know I said I was going to blog everyday but that just didn't happen. This round has been hard. I have been bored and I am ready for it to be over with. I am not looking forward to reintroduction because it feels like it means just more waiting for this to be over. So many things have been better since I started the Whole30 program and that is great. I don't crave and my sugar dragons are gone. I can get by on three meals a day which is awesome. I have decided though that I am ready to incorporate a non-processed approach to food that includes some items that are not allowed on Whole30. Sugar, however won't be one of them. Sugar for me will be a big no. It doesn't mean a never...it just means for the most part I am off sugar. I haven't decided on the dairy. I drink a lot of coffee and putting coconut milk in it still bothers me because of the high fat even though it is a healthy fat. I need to really do my research as to which is the lesser of two evils...a high fat, high calorie, healthy fat or a lower calorie, non-fat choice which nutritionally is iffy. I don't eat that much cheese so I don't really need to add dairy for cheese. Lots of things for me to think about but I am on my way. Grains and legumes for sure in moderation and mostly a plant based, protein and healthy vegetable carb. based diet. So...tomorrow...day 60 and boom...onward ho!

R2D15 or 45 Days down...

And it is getting rough....and I am really going to have to get creative when I hit day 60 because I am finding I am so bored. I am just eating to meet my nutritional needs and nothing is exciting or tastes good. I definitely think I am going to move in another direction when I have met my goal and completed this round. I am going to really explore the paleo diet and see if that will open up some more opportunities to try some different techniques and recipes using ingredients prohibited now. (not sugar) Any....just checkin' in.

R2D10 -40 days now and going strong.

I meant to blog more this round but I have been busy since I have lots of free time without the grand baby to keep me running. I have been taking advantage of the opportunity to get lots of walks in and catch up on housework and working on some quilting that I am attempting. I don't know if during a second round if one is susceptible to the carb flu but the last couple of days I have been a little sluggish and throwing together quick meals for myself. They have been compliant but not the nice, full and fancy meals I have done in the past because I think I have been tired and bored. Last night I decided I really needed to overcome that and get in the kitchen and do some food prep so I could make some better meals for myself. I roasted sweet potatoes and some rainbow carrots. I pressure cooked a spaghetti squash and then pressure cooked a bag of kale with some prosciutto. I crisped up some prosciutto and I cooked a pan of mushrooms and mixed peppers in ghee. I also made some mayo. It was so satisfying putting away these neat containers in the fridge knowing that I can grab what I need and mix with a protein for an excellent meal or get creative and make a yummy soup. I love the glass snap containers I bought from Costco. Someone suggested them on a group I am on and I am so happy I bought them. I bought two boxes and just have one set I am using and have one set unopened in the basement. When we move I will probably open the other set and part with a bunch of the plastic containers we use. On another thought we have been working with my son who is 9 who has been struggling for a while with melt downs and his "overwhelms" I call it. His diet has been so carb dense and sugar rich and I told my husband that we really needed to put the brakes on it and push him to have more outside time. My son fortunately is so smart and I approached him for the science behind fueling our bodies and how it can affect our emotions. He has been so open to eating more fruits and vegetables and has been a milk monster. I know it is not a perfect plan but the sugar from soda and other junk he was eating in the just the few days we have been doing this has dropped to almost nothing and he is requesting fruit, and carrots and broccoli for snacks and we are using the hot air popper for real popcorn rather than the microwave type. He is really digging that. We have also been going outside and spending time together either going on a quick walk, raking leaves, swinging...whatever...just being together outside rather than on an electronic device for a while. His demeanor has changed considerably. It's  nice. There is a long road to go as we need to work on meals and protein and what we are going to do to make his lunches  more suitable but baby steps in a positive direction. I will take what I can get. The other thing that is just on my mind this morning is something someone said today on one of my FB groups for Whole30. She mentioned that her biggest victory was breaking the urge to weigh herself and that she hadn't gotten on a scale since February of last year. That really made me think about the fact that I truly do judge myself by a number and I always have. I let what that number say on that scale determine how I feel about myself and if I am being successful or not. I have stopped to think that maybe I should consider the barometer of what I feel about myself should be just that....HOW DO I FEEL? Not what number is on the scale? How much weight have I lost? What size am I? Can I focus more on disconnecting from numbers? Would it be possible for me to attempt to really take a time out from the number on the scale, and focus on my real feelings and tune in to that? I have NEVER done that before....what would it be like to not judge myself by that number and let it determine my worth....this is a journey....years and years in the making. It took years to get me here...and will take such to undo the negative and rewire my brain. I know I can do it. I have one thing going for me and that is heart and determination and will power. The jist of all this jabber is I am going to make a commitment to me to try to give up weighing myself for a while beyond this Whole30 program. This round ends on the 13th of November and I was all set to find out how I did on the 14th but my first step will be leaping over that date and moving forward without checking my weight. I want to just go by how I feel and move ahead. I haven't decided if I will do a round 3 but I tend to think I may do that though unsure. I know at some point I will try to add in some things so that I can have some flexibility when I travel to Texas in February for my Dad's birthday and my birthday. I don't plan on splurging with my eating but I don't want to be so limited that I might have to eat something out and then end up sick. That is one of my fears. If my body has some acclimation to a few things perhaps that trip will go smoother. Sugar will NOT be something I add back. I have decided to live a sugar free life. Moving along...it's a Saturday and plenty to do today including a nice long walk.

R2D5

I didn't start out having a plan...I just shot right in to another round and I wasn't counting the days but then I found myself craving and feeling weird. It was as if because I hadn't established myself in a round technically I wasn't sure where I was. I remedied that and secured my perimeters. Having some idea of where I am and where I am headed gives me boundaries and I need those. It gives me goals and something to reach for. My goal right now is to make it another 30 days. Yesterday I printed off a blank table and in my weird manic brain way filled it out to reflect this 30 days with the dates. I put it on the refrigerator so that I can cross off each day and give myself a visual of where I am at so I don't get lost. The last round I was on FB every day taking pictures of my meals and recording that so I knew exactly where I was but I am not doing that this round. I am eating compliant and staying Whole30 and plugging away with life. That is how I am going to have to do this. I know in my heart eventually I will have to find some sort of way to blend this lifestyle with another so I can make sure I am able to get by in certain circumstances without getting sick or packing on weight. That is a ways off and I can do that slowly and thoughtfully. I think moving is on is my mind and that cross country trip and staying with family for days at a time, etc. I have visions of carrying with me a cooler cross country with "my food" to help me eat better. Who knows...might work out anyway because the dog  can't go in restuarants and I am not leaving her in the hot car so she and I can stay and eat together. :) I need to be careful...I can already feel myself overwhelming with issues that are really so far ahead of me that I need not be worrying with them right now. I need to plant my feet firmly on today and just take it one step at a time. It stinks to be such a planner. It also stinks to be so emotional right now over the huge loss that I already feel in my heart because once I move I will be so far away from my grandbaby. I know this is life and I also know that it is really what it is best for certain reasons but she is the moon and the stars to me and I have been in her life since the moment she took her first breath. She lives with me, she is here with me all the time from the wee hours of the early morning to sunset. Yes, I get overwhelmed and run ragged but my love is never is less. I don't look forward to that day I have to say "Mamaw will see you later PiPi". I got to stop...too much....
Lots to do today. I am not walking today I am taking a break for this Monday. I have walked so much over the last week. I got a new pair of shoes that cost too much on Sunday after I discovered that my other expensive shoes had caused me to lose yet another toenail. Those shoes had some issue, causing blisters, toenail loss, etc. I went and got fitted and chose a different brand all together so I hope I have better luck. On to house cleaning and dropping stuff off and picking things up! (scored a pair of free overalls from a free site I belong to on FB! Yay!) This energy is good stuff to have! I am loving it!

Today is Day #32...but actually I am not really counting...sorta....

I didn't post yesterday. I guess I should have but in a small way I wanted it to feel like a regular day. Regular day for me in my new way of living a healthier life you might say. They only thing that was different was because it was my Day #31 I got on the scale to see the results of living the Whole30 program and I was pleased at the loss of 9 pounds. I actually think I am suprised but I'll take it. I didn't expect more...perhaps less. My grandbaby went with other Grandparents for a couple weeks on Wednesday and so that allowed me yesterday to take a really nice long 5 mile walk and then get a ton of stuff done around the house. This morning I dropped the car off at the shop, and walk home but took a huge detour and got another 7 mile walk in. I need to plan my weekend so I can prep food for the week, shop and take advantage of the opportunity to be free to get some things done around the house that I normally can't. I even started on the pillow shams to match the quilt my Mom made for me for my birthday which isn't until February but she gave it to me early. I feel really good. This morning I had a great breakfast of fried eggs, on zuccini and sweet potato fritters and a banana with coconut cream in my coffee. It got me 7 miles. :) While I was walking I was thinking about a small shift I know that I will probably need to make in the Spring when we get closer to our big cross country move. It is nice to take that time while walking to think about clever ways I can eat healthy and clean while traveling and staying hotels, and with family for a short time. I may need to add some things in a reintro just so I have a few options AND so I don't get sick if I don't have any choices and try something while traveling. We'll see. Just starting to think ahead. My brain is already in move mode.

Day #30....I made it!

I am tired and I am ready for bed but I couldn't let this day slip away with saying......I DID IT!!!!!!!! Okay, now that I have shouted that from the rooftops I can calm down. I am stoked, happy and so proud! This was a real test of my will power. It was NOT easy by any stretch but I feel so amazing and I am ready for day 31. Yes...tomorrow will be like today with one exception....a step on the scale. I am giving myself that. For now I am not ready for a reintroduction phase so I am not planning that yet. Okay...off to bed for me.