A Little Stunned....

I have had a cold and not felt well for other reasons. Sunday I just felt like I needed to walk. It had really been stormy on Saturday, and the few days leading up to that had been nasty and rainy. That is just how it is here. Sunday had a different feel to it though. It was kind of like walking out of the house after a hurricane. It wasn't that bad but it was quiet outside, the sun was up, it was really breezy and the the streets were a mess. There was was pine needles, and tree limbs and just stuff everywhere. For some weird, unexplainable reason it gave me energy to explore and so I set out and walked. I told my husband I was going on a long walk and if I need him to listen for his phone because I might call. I guess I knew it would be a long one. It was awesome. It felt so good to have energy and momentum and I just kept going and I walked all the way down to a beach area where I could see the city. I got to one point and I wondered if I needed to call or if could make back and I decided I could do it and I did. He texted me and was worried but I told him I was fine and would be home in a bit. So it ended a nice 5 miles and it was wonderful and I got a bit tearful when I realized I am finally hitting that point where I can do this. Even clunking up the hills, huffing or puffing...I can still do this and it is not killing me.

The part that stunned me is that I wondered if I might be able to get to 225 by Nov. 1. I thought it might be hard but possible. I keep having to readjust my goals because I keep losing pretty fast which is okay in one way but worries a little bit in another. So yesterday I got on the scale and was shocked as it was only the 27th, and I weighed in at 224.8. I realize that I can go up and down ounces on a daily basis but there's my Nov. 1 goal met. That puts me at -46.8 Wow. I have all these things swirling around in my head. How long is it going to take me to get where I am going and how far am I going to let myself go and then how do I balance myself when I get to my goal? I am not a little girl. I have huge hands, big feet, literally skin stretched over bones I am a nice size 12, and 10 at the smallest. I am not tiny and don't believe my body was ever intended to be such. I also need to start working on more than just walking because while it is helping me with energy and stamina and losing weight, it is doing nothing for shaping my body in to anything great. I just have a history with gyms. It's a start/stop relationship. Hey, that is kind of like me and diets. Ha!Ha! I don't want that. I have heard a lot about this "Crossfit" but don't know if that would really be my thing or not. I just don't want to invest in something only to stop it plus I have so little time. That is what I love, love, love, LOVE about walking. I can fit it around MY schedule and it helps me in more ways that just physically. It has been the biggest help to have that time to "walk away" some times and pray and just self talk and clear my brain of what is eating away at me. This is one of the reasons why I love walking alone. It's my own "private Idaho" in my head and no-one is invited to crazy town. Ha!Ha! No one would like to go near that place. :)

Self Indulgent Pic

Down 44.6 pounds but I was so excited to lay my hands on this t-shirt from my one and only half marathon 5 years ago. It fits!!!!!! So I am sharing my selfie, smirk and all. :)

Moving right along....

So the rain has started and I know now is the time that it's going to get really hard. I haven't felt well lately. I have walked every other day for the last 5 or so days. That's not great. I am on an antibiotic now so I am hoping that is curing what is ailing me and I will be on the mend. Today will be a walk in the rain though. I am determined. Yesterday, I was a grilling fool and we grilled 3 pounds of chicken breasts, a bunch of shrimp and a couple steaks. Having the grilled proteins to throw on salads or in a wrap makes life a little easier. I froze what I thought I couldn't eat before it went bad. I even have some for later. I got on the scale this morning and I am down over 43 pounds now. I have met my October goal and well on my way to my November goal. I am constantly re-adjusting. Finally, I believe I can see a different me staring back. I still see a heavy girl because I off course am a heavy girl. I believe I need to see it that way but there is something different about me and it's better. I say I need to see the heavy girl because I need to ease in to this change this time. I was telling my husband the other night that that there is a funny thing, I don't miss certain foods I am not eating. I am not sure why that is. I don't eat sugar and I don't crave it. I have not found myself missing sweets, or chips, or buttery things that I used to comfort myself with. It's almost odd. I am not complaining, I just think it's different. I hope that it's because I am getting enough of whatever it is my body needs right now that it doesn't trip my brain wires for that stuff. I do have a bite of 70% chocolate here and there. That is my one vice and it's good for me. :)

Depression is such a beast.

I am not shy about sharing the fact that I suffer from depression and have my entire life. I was diagnosed as a young Adult. It is something that I wrestle with at some periods in my life more than others.  In other words it can be so much more palpable at times and it feels like I am drowning. I feel guilty because there are people who have problems so much bigger than mine yet I dredge mine up when I am struggling because they feed this monster. It is as if I need to give myself a reason to cry and feel withdrawn. The truth is that those feelings come even when things can be great. Unfortunately right now I am overloaded and don't see a way to clear out some of the extra stress so I just have to plow through. I can and I will. I just feel like a soda bottle that has been shaken up and is about to blow. I can control only what I can control. I can keep eating well and exercise and pray and ride out the storm for however long this one lasts.

Just Thinking.....

I blog a lot. This is my way of clearing the cob webs out of my head. I usually don't have a lot of time at home when it just me. It's crazy but true. My life has changed so much and while I love being a Grandma, in some ways it is so difficult. I guess it has put me in place where I just didn't expect to be at this point in my life which feels like the Mom of an infant again. So there is a lot of pressure, and I feel a bit as though I have lost myself. It is a weird place and I don't really don't know how to explain it. I absolutely adore my grandbaby and would move mountains for her but I struggle sometimes in this weird place I am at. I was looking at the picture of me I took yesterday with the gray hair and I thought to myself that maybe I don't want to have gray hair yet. I thought I did but maybe not yet. It took me a long time to let it all come in but I don't feel like I look that old, and when I look at that picture, I see tired. Ugg.... There is just pain in my heart because of lot of things, and when I hurt emotionally I have eaten. When I have been sad or overwhelmed, I have sat and pulled the covers over my head and tried to sleep the world away. This after so many years has caused me to come to this place that is so hard to move away from. So I now am taking my baby steps, and I write about any and everything that crosses my head. I need to because I go back and read this and it helps figure this stuff out. Whys and hows and what fors....there are reasons for all of this. If I am going to make it to wherever it is I am trying to get to, I have to give up old ways and change. I tell my other daughter..."one breath at a time". I need to remember that advice.

Pictures

I didn't realize when I asked my husband to take my picture today that it is exactly one month ago from the last one he took. So I am not sure of the exact weight difference but one of me in red is today, down 38 pounds now. Perhaps the 8th of the month should now be the day I snap a pic to see if there is a difference.  Oh how I wish my boobs didn't look like they were smashed around my waist. That's a sports bra for ya!

Inspiration

I heard this song on one of my walks the other day, and now everytime it comes on my Pandora radio it becomes a bit of an anthem for me. Then I watched the video. Yesterday when I couldn't get up the hill, I remembered I could breathe. I can walk,I can move, I can live. I can do this. Many can't. I need to quit fighting and just do this and be grateful that I am blessed for the ability to try to change because things could be a whole lot different. I am trying to add the link but if it doesn't work. Check out One Republic's "I Lived". It's an INSPIRATION.

Why some walks just kick my ass, I'll never know....

Lately there have been some really bad walks for me. I am glad I have gone but they just are total ass kickers and today was one of them. I don't know if it was because I added a mile to it. Perhaps it was because it was hotter than usual but that last mile had me self talking the entire way home. "Listen Amy, you have walked 6, 7, 10, HECK, you have walked over 13 miles, you can get up a darn hill!" I was telling my husband this and he reminded me. "How long had you been at it when you walked that 13 miles?" and I said it had been over a year. Then he asked how long I have been at it now, and I said just over 2 months. So I guess there is my answer...sorta. I still think there is some mystery in there and it has to do with my energy and what I am or am not eating because somedays I am full of energy, and other days I am pooped and dragging. I go anyway but what a struggle. I have thought that perhaps a food journal may be in my future so I can pin point what a "good day" looks like compared to a bad day. Hubby says it's the carbs but in my whiniest voice I "don't wanna" add more because I think I eat a decent amount, and good ones too. Today, I actually cooked something I have never made before. I bought Salmon. I cooked it in a skillet, and then had that with a salad and half of a light skinned sweet potato for lunch. It was pretty good. It would have been much better grilled but not bad for my first try at cooking Salmon. That was my 3rd time in a week eating fish, so go me! I am making potato soup for the family for dinner and I believe I will make lentils for myself. I have discovered that if I cook them with Rotel, and chicken stock and other vegetables like carrots, red pepper, garlic, celery, onion, they are really yummy, and a little spicy. I guess I will figure all this out in time, little by little. I just have to hang in there. As I was walking down the road to head off for my walking, my shoulders were slumped and I was feeling a bit discouraged. I was asking myself if I could keep fighting. As I was walking the last bit home, beet red faced, sweating, and huffing and puffing, I told myself and I am fighting for my life. I literally fighting this battle for my life, and I will have to keep fighting. Those demons that want to push me back and tell me this is way to hard, or it's not working or it's taking too long. F#%* em! I can't listen to that! I will get there, one foot in front of the other foot, in front of the other foot..............and so it will go.